FAMILY SECRETS

I’m a new subscriber, and thrilled with your digital publication. I’m an only child and both my parents were only children (as were two of my grandparents). It is more than likely that our infant daughter will be an only child as well. This concerns me because I feel that there are many misconceptions about only children. It’s something I typically don’t share with someone until I get to know them very well!

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I know what you mean, and your concerns are not unwarranted. Many of our readers write us with similar complaints. The next time someone tries to stereotype your child or you as a parent, tell them that your child is everything you always wanted and your family is complete the way it is. As an only child, if you wish, you can point out all of the positive aspects of being an only child. One of the missions of Only Child is to clear up many of the misconceptions about only children. Because only children spend a great deal of time with their parents, they tend to do better in school and take on more leadership roles than children with siblings. You should be proud of being an only child and you should raise your daughter to be proud as well.

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NOT TO WORRY!

Dear Only Child, I just happened to be looking under "only children" as so many people have these weird misconceptions about them. Im an only child, now a granny with 3 adorable grandkids. I have always been happy. I'm a musician and just notice myself making a lot of warm loving relationships with people. I guess some of my girlfriends are considered "my sisters".

How can I tell people not to worry about raising an only child?

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You just did!

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STRIKE A CHORD

My husband and I have a 5-year old daughter and are not planning to have any more children. Sometimes we feel guilty about denying her relationships with siblings, but we simply do not want any more children. We get the usual remarks about how spoiled and self-centered she will be without any brothers and sisters and how awful it is to raise her by herself. Sometimes those comments really strike a nerve and make me self-conscious. When she throws a temper tantrum or doesn’t share, I know onlookers are thinking, “That’s what happens with an only child!” I'm subscribing today!

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Try to relax about having an only child. Guilt is not a reliable emotion and can only make you and your child feel badly. No matter how you try to hide your guilt, a child can pick up on it. Your daughter may then act out her feelings in inappropriate behavior. Spend your time and energy wisely when it comes to dealing with what are really issues of growing up that ALL children experience. All five year old children get frustrated. You need to help your daughter channel her frustrations in productive ways. Don’t worry about other peoples’ reactions. Also, children don’t need siblings to experience sibling relationships. Close friends can offer the same experiences for your child. Peer relationships will help develop and refine your daughter’s social skills. Also, your child’s friends and playmates will put her in her place if she gets out of line, She will learn social boundaries from others as well as you. Usually only children are quite good at sharing with their friends because they don’t have to share with brothers and sisters. If your child has a temper tantrum... it’s TIME OUT! Separate her from the situation , no matter how it may make you look. Try to remember, there are no perfect five year olds just as there are no perfect 35 year olds. Don’t worry about your child growing up to be self-centered. If you set the example, she will learn to be giving and loving. Start a family tradition of community service. Reach out to those in need as a family and your child will always be concerned about others. Your daughter is old enough to help you hand out food to the homeless or collect blankets and clothes for those in need. If she sees that you are caring people, she will be too. I also suggest that you give your daughter structured responsibilities at home. There are chores that a five year old can do quite well and that help a child understand that everyone in a family has obligations. She can help you fold the laundry, tear lettuce for a salad, and put the dishes away as well as putting away her toys. Use your imagination to make these chores fun, and I think that you will be happy with the results.

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TOO MUCH GUILT!

Dear Only Child:

Boy, can I relate to the anguish experienced by some of the other one child parents who have written to you. I have also felt guilt at not providing my 4 1/2-year-old son with a sibling. But if I had one now they would be too far apart in age. My husband and I are personally thrilled to have just one, but feel our son will eventually start feeling lonely, like he's missing out on something, etc. Oh, I could go on and on. I am eagerly looking forward to hearing from you.

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You should enjoy your child and not worry about what other people might think or feel. If you give your son all of your love and provide him with enough peer interaction, he won't be lonely or feel left out. Parents who aren't happy about their decision to have one child, inevitably pass that sense of loss on to their child. If you are contented, your son will be too.

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NOT TOO FAR AWAY

Dear Only Child:

I would like to subscribe to Only Child. Hopefully the Netherlands is not too far away. I am an only child myself and I've always been very happy with that. I live in perfect harmony with my parents, in fact I miss them very much now that I am in college. Still many people think that it must be terrible to be an only child. It is good to hear that more and more families are deciding to have only one child. My parents didn't make that decision; it just happened. On your web site you wrote about how important friends are to only children. I understand that because I seem to have deeper friendships than most other people. Right now I do have a boyfriend, an only child too! I like that because we can understand each other.

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Dear Not Too Far Away:

Thank you so much for your warm letter. So often people concentrate on the negative aspects of being an only child, when the truth is that the experiences only children have are as positive as anyone's. Our daughter is a senior in college and still feels very close to us. The bond is always there.

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