STRIKE A CHORD

My husband and I have a 5-year old daughter and are not planning to have any more children. Sometimes we feel guilty about denying her relationships with siblings, but we simply do not want any more children. We get the usual remarks about how spoiled and self-centered she will be without any brothers and sisters and how awful it is to raise her by herself. Sometimes those comments really strike a nerve and make me self-conscious. When she throws a temper tantrum or doesn’t share, I know onlookers are thinking, “That’s what happens with an only child!” I'm subscribing today!

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Try to relax about having an only child. Guilt is not a reliable emotion and can only make you and your child feel badly. No matter how you try to hide your guilt, a child can pick up on it. Your daughter may then act out her feelings in inappropriate behavior. Spend your time and energy wisely when it comes to dealing with what are really issues of growing up that ALL children experience. All five year old children get frustrated. You need to help your daughter channel her frustrations in productive ways. Don’t worry about other peoples’ reactions. Also, children don’t need siblings to experience sibling relationships. Close friends can offer the same experiences for your child. Peer relationships will help develop and refine your daughter’s social skills. Also, your child’s friends and playmates will put her in her place if she gets out of line, She will learn social boundaries from others as well as you. Usually only children are quite good at sharing with their friends because they don’t have to share with brothers and sisters. If your child has a temper tantrum... it’s TIME OUT! Separate her from the situation , no matter how it may make you look. Try to remember, there are no perfect five year olds just as there are no perfect 35 year olds. Don’t worry about your child growing up to be self-centered. If you set the example, she will learn to be giving and loving. Start a family tradition of community service. Reach out to those in need as a family and your child will always be concerned about others. Your daughter is old enough to help you hand out food to the homeless or collect blankets and clothes for those in need. If she sees that you are caring people, she will be too. I also suggest that you give your daughter structured responsibilities at home. There are chores that a five year old can do quite well and that help a child understand that everyone in a family has obligations. She can help you fold the laundry, tear lettuce for a salad, and put the dishes away as well as putting away her toys. Use your imagination to make these chores fun, and I think that you will be happy with the results.

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Comments

[Martha Garcia]

I don't believe anyone who parents an only child by choice (myself included) is "denying" their child anything by not having more children. I have a sibling. We don't even like each other. Never have, never will. I would have been better off being an only child, so there are no guarantees in life that giving your child a sibling will make them happier or more fulfilled.

Anyone who knows me knows that if they ever have the nerve to put negative stereotypes upon my daughter, they will hear from me full-bore exactly what I think of their unwanted, inconsiderate, rude, insensitive comments. It's terrible that people (especially strangers) think that it's their duty or right to comment on another person's parenting choices. Please don't let them. Stop it whenver and wherever it happens. I'm sure those closest to you will understand, and for the rest? Who cares what they think anyway. Please...do NOT feel guilty for knowing your limits and making the best choice for you and your little "triangle" family!

[Nicole Daughtery]

My daughter is 2 years old and due to some steep family responsibilities, my husband and I are nearing the decision to just have one child. Our daughter is amazing! She's beautiful, healthy, vibrant, outgoing and full of life! I do grow weary of the constant comments, stares, and "looks" we receive when people learn that we are considering an only chid family. For a long time, I've felt guilty - that I would be offering my little girl less of life if she doesn't have a sibling. However, I'm starting to learn that she will be who I raise her to be, regardless of how many siblings live in her house. She is in preschool, playgroups, and goes with me when I visit my family to help, etc. My prayer for her is that as she sees my husband and I give to our families, she will learn to give of herself as well and grow to be a secure, giving, compassionate woman... thanks to all who write, it's amazing how many people have the same feelings when they choose to have an only child.