TOO MUCH GUILT!

Dear Only Child:

Boy, can I relate to the anguish experienced by some of the other one child parents who have written to you. I have also felt guilt at not providing my 4 1/2-year-old son with a sibling. But if I had one now they would be too far apart in age. My husband and I are personally thrilled to have just one, but feel our son will eventually start feeling lonely, like he's missing out on something, etc. Oh, I could go on and on. I am eagerly looking forward to hearing from you.

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You should enjoy your child and not worry about what other people might think or feel. If you give your son all of your love and provide him with enough peer interaction, he won't be lonely or feel left out. Parents who aren't happy about their decision to have one child, inevitably pass that sense of loss on to their child. If you are contented, your son will be too.

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Comments

[Martha Garcia]

Oh no, more guilt. I see a lot of parents of onlies who have a tremendous amount of guilt, and it makes me feel very sad for them. Someone once told me that guilt is a useless emotion. I tend to agree with that statement for the most part, because I know it is difficult to go through life feeling guilty about something. When it relates to our children, it bears even more weight sometimes. I always say there are pros and cons to everything, and maybe if you look at it that way you won't feel so bad when you have those moments of guilt. For example, if you worry that your child is missing out on having a sibling, consider that he might feel as though he's missing out on something else WITH a sibling....like having your undivided attention. See? Pro, con.

Good luck!

[Alicia Zuczek]

I feel soooo guilty because our son is an only child. He loves other kids & I am worried that he is lonely when it's just us. My husband & I only want one because we want to be able to give him everything we did not have. He is now 6 & I feel even if we did have another they would be too far apart in age. Help!

[Hadassa]

Children can do well no matter how far apart they are spaced. I've met siblings from 11 months (No, that wasn't planned, but the are loved all the same!) to 14 years, and everything in between, apart and they have all had good healthy relationships. And of course there are always the siblings "ideally spaced" who can't stand each other. There are, of course, statistics about what works best, but your family is what you make of it.

[seema]

can I relate to the guilt experienced by one child parents who have written to you. I have also felt guilt at not providing my 6 1/2-year-old daughter with a sibling. reading about their concerns, and knowing their doubts being solved so re-assuringly by you has finally given me peace and confidence of my decision of having a single child, and that my child will also eventually learn to be a more self confident and a social person. thank you.....

[YM]

I've always been told that I should change my mind about NOT wanting to have a second child. We live in the expensive and stressful San Francisco Bay Area. We have a wonderful 5.5 year old daughter who was born dangerously tiny - 3 lbs 14 ozs. I put a lot of time and effort into her, and now she is a healthy tall beautiful intelligent girl. Her only other health issue was mild asthma, which kept me awake at nights when she was little. Now though, with age, she seems to be outgrowing the disease. I have been taking her for dance, piano and swimming lessons since she was 3.5 years old. She is now also into soccer and mental mathematics. She has entered kindergarten. Everything with her seems to be going perfect. She is very talented and intelligent, and we give her a lot of time. People seem to envy her early age pursuits and achievements. I definitely see her going to a great university and excelling, without us having too much of a problem paying for the education. We're hoping though, that we won't have to sell our house to pay for it, since she is very attached to her home. Our house is in front of a park which she and the neighborhood kids frequent. She has quite a few friends in the neighborhood now. She, with a little direction from me, is making friends at her new school too, and seems quite happy there. She used to mention her desire for a sibling, but doesn't say much about it any more. She knows that I don't want another kid because of time and financial constraints. I and my husband are scared of how the dynamics might change if we had a second, and there would be no turning back. Today, though, someone began the same old psychological work on me, saying that we are being selfish by choosing not to have a second child. When our life is passed, we will be leaving our daughter alone in the world with no one to call hers, devastating her. Help! I feel awful. Will our daughter really be better off if we provide her with a sibling. I personally don't really get along with my only sibling, my sister who is 1.5 years younger to me. We're so very different by nature. We've always had gigantic amounts of sibling rivalry.