DOING THE RIGHT THING

I discovered your site through ‘the start page’ in the web. I come from Holland, so my English will not be perfect.
I’m the mother of an only child. It was a conscious choice and I’m very happy with it. I too got comments like, ‘When will the second child come?” and “No more children. That’s sad for you.” When I have doubts it’s only because people say those things. My daughter is five years old and we were never in a situation, in which I thought, “And now it would be better to have more children.” When my daughter needs company she goes to the boy next door, who by the way, is an only child too. But when she feels like playing alone, which happens, she stays at home and plays alone.
The three of us went on vacation to Spain, and my daughter found so many other children to play with she was never alone. When she is older and wants to go to university, she can go because we will be able to afford it. If we had more than one it wouldn’t be possible.
My best friend has three lovely children, but I’m not jealous. She is always busy with school, sports, birthday parties, her own job etc. Even if my daughter had bothers or sisters there would be no guarantee that they would get on well. I know families with four adult children who never see each other and when the father is sick, it is always the same person in that family who takes care of him. I have a colleague who has one brother whom she hates. Maybe these are isolated examples, but it is not always love and happiness in the families.
In other words, I think I am doing the right thing.

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Comments

[Barbara E.]

I don't think those are isolated examples. Right off the top of my head I can think of people in the 40's and 50's (my contemporaries) with these same issues: one child always being the parental caregive/emergency contact in spite of 2 siblings; siblings who can't stand one another and whose children don't know their cousins, etc., etc. I have one child: an 18 year old daughter who --at least at this point in her life -- says she plans to also have one child.

[Linda Jones]

Yes, you are doing the right thing! I was an only child and went through a phase of `why haven't I got any brothers or sisters', but generally it was okay and although I wasn't a spoilt brat, I did tend to have lots of things that perhaps children with brothers and sisters couldn't have because of cost, etc. When I had my son in 1988, at the age of almost 34, I toyed with the idea of more children for a long time, but to be honest, I found it hard work and I was selfish because I realised that I would still be able to have a nice lifestyle and travel, etc, with one child, but if I had any more children, it wouldn't be as easy.

I didn't regret my decision, not really, because as a family, and also just the two of us, did so much and were involved in all his activities over the years.

However, it is now that he is 21 I am finding it hard to let go, and wish that I had more children to fall back on. He has finished University, wants to stay in that area because there is more chance of work, and of course, he has a girlfriend, who is the love of his life at the moment. I just find it so hard to cope with the fact that he may never come home again to live, just for visits as he did when he was at Uni, because our lives literally revolved around him. We travelled a lot, and the thought that he won't come with us any more is also a downer. He has been home for a few weeks after finishing Uni and done some casual work locally, and it has been lovely being a `mum' again, looking after him, and knowing that he is with us. To be honest, I don't think I have recovered from 3 years ago, when he turned 18 and was off to Uni. I was in a total state of shock, but this is another phase again that is just awful.

[Pissed off only child]

You people are sick. As an only child, I only have one thing to say. Choosing to only have one child is child abuse. How dare you do that to a child. You should have never had children to begin with if you were only going to have one. Its cruel! No matter how you justify it, your child is going to suffer.

[B.T.]

Dear "Pissed off only child",

Why do you think having only one child is child abuse? What things made you suffer?

Were your parents not social enough? Did you not have cousins to play with?

Do you feel that the "only children" who posted blogs on this website about their happy childhoods were lying?

I am a mom of a 5 year old only child. My husband and I have huge families and my son has many, many cousins. Its pretty exhausting actually to be so close to all of our brothers and sisters and all their children, whew!

I am checking out this website because I am considering not having anymore children for various reasons, mostly economic.I also dont want my next child to be raised by someone else like my first child was because I have to go back to work about 4 months after giving birth. I felt that I missed out on many special moments, im sure my son really missed me too.

I want to be realistic and make sure I am making the right decision for my son, my husband and myself. I am pretty sure my son is not lonely. Because my in-laws have plenty of children of their own, they usually drop off one or two of their kids at my house over the weekends for sleepovers. We have huge birthday parties almost twice a month (its always someones birthday- a cousin an aunt an uncle)

My son is a very unique only child for this reason, we are a very social family. He is very close to his cousins and they even go to school together.

I am curious, what do you think of my sons situation? Do you still feel that I am committing child abuse towards him?

By the way, our Christmases and New Year Parties are really, really fun for all the kids- even for my son. These are the only two days out of the year that we let them stay up pretty late. We have a tradition of opening our Christmas gifts at midnight on Dec. 25th- so all of the cousins get to open their presents together. We usually sleep over at the house that the party took place at, adults too, so Christmas mornings are always full of love and family.

My husband is 1 of 8 brothers and sisters and I am the oldest of 4. My son is very close to both of his grandmothers and grandfathers(one recently passed 2 years ago) and he even has a step-grandfather who loves him very much.

I appreciate any feedback or advice from anyone.

Thank You!

[Rita]

Hello! I'm not a native english speaker, neither...
I wish I would be as confident as you are about the decision of having only one child. I want to tell you my story, so you can give me your point of view.
I am a 32 years old mom of a 5 years old only child. My husband is twenty years older than me. We are a happy familiy, even if some people think we're not an usual one. Anyway, he feels he should not have more children. I agree with him, but the world around us does not. In our families there are no kids, only older cousins (teenagers, at minimum) , my son is then an only child and almost only nephew, and only grandson.
Lonely is then, the strongest reason of my indecision.
Some people say I'm young enough for think about it, and have 1 or 2 more!!
I'm happy with my 3.member family, but I doubt if I will regret later, when having another child is not an option.
What do ypu think?