FAMILY TIES

I came across your site today and wanted to share my story. After three years of marriage my husband and I decided to have children. Three years later I was still not pregnant. My husband hurt himself on the job, so I quit my job to take care of him. One month later I was pregnant at age 30. I started my own home-based business and my husband went back to work. My pregnancy went fine until I went into labor seven weeks early. At the hospital, there was nothing they could do to stop the labor. My son arrived seven weeks early weighing in at four pounds twelve ounces. He spent four weeks in the hospital’s neonatal intensive care unit. He is almost three now and fortunately has been very healthy. I, on the other hand, have had stomach and female problems since his birth. I have not been able to get pregnant again. Everyone keeps asking me when I am going to have another. I try to tell them what’s going on, but no one listens. At this point in my life, I don’t know if I want to have another child. I am very happy with the one child I have. I am very busy with my business, and I refuse to put my son in child care. If I did have another child my business would surely have to stop. I know I would want to devote all my time to my kids. Am I being selfish? I don’t think I am. Also. I do not think I could go through another birth trauma like the one I experienced with my son. I was told by my doctor that I have a 80% chance that it could happen again. Thank you for your web site. I have learned a lot from it.

**********************************
Thank you for your heartfelt story. We find many only child families that start off with such difficulties have a far greater understanding and respect for just what a FAMILY is all about. A family can be any size. It’s the amount of love that counts. We hope that as you traveled through our web site that you learned how fulfilling it can be to have one child. Only children have strengths and resources that children with siblings often don’t have. You are indeed fortunate to have a healthy, happy child. When people try to pry into your family situation, why don’t you tell them that your family is complete with one child.

**********************************

Comments

[Nana]

I too had a premie. We just felt so lucky to have her be OK that we decided that would be it! My husband is an only and I have one brother. Both my brother and I were more spoiled than either of my
"onlies". My husband is a very contented only and felt great with that idea. We got no pressure from anyone to "produce". My daughter is now married with a four year old daughter and is a VP with a large financial firm. (The first time anyone mentioned siblings was when she started an internship on Wall St.; she was shocked that they were shocked when she said--"only". I have two dogs and they are very spoiled but I will always be there for them. As a spoiled child myself I was lucky to really back off "over managing" our daughter. Very early I knew she had to get along in a Big World something that was difficult for me as my parents did way too much for me. I made sure that I had a "life and great friends".
I did not make her successes my own. When someone complimented me about her I asked the person to tell her. You cannot have too many people in any child's life. I think that is a really important thing. You can also "mother" other children, especially those from really large families who may not get much attention one on one.
I lost my own best friend this fall. She was an only child. It was a long painful story and she was young. Her four best friends from HS and college came from all over the US and I was here and with her husband and the help of a hospice nurse we kept her at home until the end. I have just arranged the marriage of her oldest daughter and frankly I was shocked! She has two sisters and the family dynamic was really really poor and made everything stressful. These three just really dislike each other 90% of the time. So
children with sibilings are not necessarily happier and may be really troubled by past rivalry.
Have fun as the parent of an only...relax and get out of their way!! Let them make great close friends. Let them own their own sucess in life.
Now someone needs to tell me how a "Nana" should be with a possible only, age four. So far I was a better mother of an only than a Nana of a possible only!!! I am spoiling her...HELP!!!

[Jan]

I am the mother of one son. I have had guilt for 19 years. He is a lonely child and wish one million times over we would have had another child. At the time, I wasn't sure I should have had a child at all as we were paying child support etc for 1st family.
My son has done well in this world and has a great network of friends from high school, but they are separating and going separate ways.
If you wonder, I would say have one more, that only child is alone in this world and when you are gone they have NO ONE. I would never recommend having an only child.
My husband is an only child, you would have thought I would have seen the handwriting on the wall, but I too am the same as an only child. We are all too selfish and it is difficult. Please, if you have one child, have another, you will not regret it. It will be a gift to your only child long after you are gone..

[Emma]

I have to agree with the previous poster - Jan – on this issue. Parents of "onlies" commonly comfort themselves by going: "All that stuff they're saying about only children, it's just cultural stereotyping. He/she will form lots of compensating relationships during his/her lifetime. Siblings are simply not necessary, and we are a complete family the way we are. Period!" Not so, I'm afraid. The stereotyping isn't the issue here. As an only child myself, I'll tell you the stereotyping of my situation, however annoying, is the least of my problems. As an adult, I feel immensely lonely, and I look with great envy at big families around me. Nothing beats the bond formed between siblings, and if you don't have any, you are constantly reminded by other peoples' actions that Family Comes First... and you second. I feel like an island, plopped into the sea by two rather ignorant adults, who thought it comfortable only to have one. If you don't want to give birth again - adopt! And if you decide to stick with only one, make sure your child goes to daycare and/or other activities for some social training.

[sara]

I don't feel the same way as the other posters, and I'm an only. Maybe it's becuase I married into another family and am close to both his and my parents (although not his siblings, they aren't around much), maybe it's my church family or my relationship with Christ.

I'm not sure, but I DO believe that siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be. After all, look at the first siblings, Cain and Abel, and how that resulted in the first murder. Don't feel gulity if you don't have another. A sibling guarantees nothing.

[Betsy Holt]

Wow, I can really relate to this mother. I am the same age and the mother of a beautiful, spunky 2 1/2 year old daughter who was also born early, as a result of some genetic complications that I unknowingly passed on to her during pregnancy. She is fine now, praise God, but we are undergoing genetic counseling next week to determine the risks of having another. Meanwhile, literally all my friends are on their second child. We too get asked about having another continually, despite my ongoing health problems. I know that people aren't being callous; they just don't understand. Still, it's hard to constantly have to explain your situation.

Ironically, I, too, work from home. This is a huge blessing that I have never, ever taken for granted. But I also know that when you work during naps and at night, you don't get much of a break. It's like holding down two jobs. Fortunately, I like what I do, and I am beyond thankful that I can continue to do that and raise my daughter at home. But ... between work and my health problems, I'm not sure that I can physically handle having another child. My husband and I have always envisioned giving our daughter a sibling, but now that we know more about my health situation, we are having to reevaluate our plans for our family.

To the other people who have posted here: as someone who has been there, I want to remind you that no one, no one understands this mother's situation more than she does. And no one else (all those well-meaning friends and family who want to see her have two kids) is going to raise that child for her. If she is concerned that it is not a good idea physically and emotionally, that the risks are too high, then maybe it's just that--not a good idea. Period. (I'm talking to myself here, too.)

I'm not sure what this mother decided, but I know that my husband and I will continue to get information, to talk with each other, and to pray for God's wisdom. I believe wholeheartedly that God has a purpose for our family--whether we have one child, or adopt, or get pregnant with another (with guidance from our doctors, of course). It can be a tough, even painful situation to be in. Everyone wants you to have the dog, the two kids, the house in the suburbs. Hey, my husband and I wanted that life, too. But we've also realized we have to make the choice that's right for us.

[Bob]

I don't see why anybody would want to have a only child.
I am one myself,i see people with brothers and sisters.
I ask my mum nearly everyday to have another child.
That is my dream.I am twelve years old,and have wanted siblings since i was six years old.
I would never reccommend having an only child.
Most of the time i am unhappy.
I pray for sib's my parent's are both forty one,do you think it's too late?

[Kelley]

I am 37 and have a son that will turn one next week. He is the joy of my life. I had many miscarriages and sometimes wonder if I will be able to have a second child. Also, I sometimes just want to stop at one as my beloved husband does not help me at all and I work full-time on top of raising my son. I would love two, but when I think about it seriously, I become afraid that I won't be able to afford both both financially and time-wise. I already feel bad that I don't see my son 40 hrs. per week. This is such a tough decision and I have been trying to look at the positives of having an only child. I have four brothers and two sisters and sometimes it is nice to have the family around, but sometimes, I also like to keep to myself because they tend to prod and interfere too much too. I recently had another miscarriage and I think that is why I am just trying to be thankful for the blessing that I was given.

[sikirulai]

Well, l was once the father of an only child until the second one decided to jump on me after seven and a half years.
To be frank, it was somehow delightful taking care of him as an only child although most of my siblings and those of my wife were always poking funs at us(my wife and l) we knew it was not our fault that we did not have a second child yet.

Did l mention that l'm an African from Nigeria?
In our traditional setting, if you have an only child people usually wonder strangely at you.
Thank God that is not your lot in the other parts of the world, is it?

[karla]

For everyone that thinks siblings are great. . . I am the oldest of 3. My brother stole a lareg amount of money from my parents. My sister abandoned her 4 children to live with her boyfriend. I am so ashamed of the people that were chosen for me! My SIBLINGS! I havent talked to them in about 3 years and life without them is so peaceful. So drama free. I ENVY only children. I'd be better off without either of them.
My father is not doing so well. He has 6 brothers and sisters. Nobody talks to nobody in that ring. About 7 years ago they all had a huge fight about the property their mother left them when she passed. IMAGINE THAT!!! Fighting with your brothers and sisters in your 60's!
ONLY CHILD! LUCKY YOU!!!