FAMILY TIES

I came across your site today and wanted to share my story. After three years of marriage my husband and I decided to have children. Three years later I was still not pregnant. My husband hurt himself on the job, so I quit my job to take care of him. One month later I was pregnant at age 30. I started my own home-based business and my husband went back to work. My pregnancy went fine until I went into labor seven weeks early. At the hospital, there was nothing they could do to stop the labor. My son arrived seven weeks early weighing in at four pounds twelve ounces. He spent four weeks in the hospital’s neonatal intensive care unit. He is almost three now and fortunately has been very healthy. I, on the other hand, have had stomach and female problems since his birth. I have not been able to get pregnant again. Everyone keeps asking me when I am going to have another. I try to tell them what’s going on, but no one listens. At this point in my life, I don’t know if I want to have another child. I am very happy with the one child I have. I am very busy with my business, and I refuse to put my son in child care. If I did have another child my business would surely have to stop. I know I would want to devote all my time to my kids. Am I being selfish? I don’t think I am. Also. I do not think I could go through another birth trauma like the one I experienced with my son. I was told by my doctor that I have a 80% chance that it could happen again. Thank you for your web site. I have learned a lot from it.

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Thank you for your heartfelt story. We find many only child families that start off with such difficulties have a far greater understanding and respect for just what a FAMILY is all about. A family can be any size. It’s the amount of love that counts. We hope that as you traveled through our web site that you learned how fulfilling it can be to have one child. Only children have strengths and resources that children with siblings often don’t have. You are indeed fortunate to have a healthy, happy child. When people try to pry into your family situation, why don’t you tell them that your family is complete with one child.

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PLAYING FAIR

I heard about your web site in our local paper, and I think it is a great idea. I often feel guilty about having an only child. My daughter is five years old and always wants play dates after school and on weekends. I try hard to arrange this, but it’s not always possible to have one every day or even every other day. She was crying about this today and said, “It’s almost like having no friends.” It breaks my heart. I feel guilty and don’t know what to do. Even our vacation at the beach is becoming an issue. Who will she play with? Will she have fun if it’s just us? Unfortunately our family is not that big so there aren’t many cousins. Any comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am really at odds. It seems all I do is try to plan play dates!

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One of the hardest lessons for any child to learn is how to occupy himself/herself. It’s a universal complaint and not unique to only children. But parents of only children (like you) sometimes feel that they must occupy their child’s every waking moment. Of course your daughter is going to do whatever she can to manipulate you and get what she wants. Why not? Don’t fall for it, and don’t feel guilty about it. Your daughter needs to learn to occupy herself. Set up quiet time for your daughter to play in her room with her toys. Encourage her to picture read her books and come back and tell you her versions of the stories. Set up challenges like art projects that will develop her creativity. Don’t let the TV be your baby-sitter. As far as the vacation is concerned, follow the same plans. If other children are around, encourage her to reach out. She will ultimately have to learn these skills and it’s never too early. Don’t be so quick to jump in and “make it all better.” Siblings teach each other how to survive disappointment and rejection. Only children have to learn that by participation and interaction.
Above all, don’t feel guilty. All of us come into the world with limitations, and no one has the perfect life. The important thing is to make the most of what we have.

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LETTING GO

My only child is graduating from high school this year, and I’m not handling it well. My son is extremely bright and capable and has been accepted at some premium schools far from home. I’m torn because I will miss him terribly, but I don’t share these feelings with him. My husband and I know that we must give our son wings (especially necessary for an only), but I need some advice for coping. I feel like I’m in mourning. Some days I’m so happy for him and other days I am so sad I can cry at the drop of a hat. Help!!

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You’re not alone! When any child leaves home it’s hard. But when it’s your one and only, it can be overwhelming! The old saying, “You have to let go to hold on” may be trite but it’s certainly true. During those times when you feel overwhelmingly sad remember how much your son has accomplished (with your help, of course) and feel proud. Remember how much effort it took to get him where he is today and pat yourself on the back. Then think about all the things you will now be free to do. It’s your time to move on too. Explore your options, and share your thoughts and feelings with your husband and son. Ask their advice about how to fill your time. If you include them in the process, it makes it easier on you, and you won’t feel quite so alone. Start looking into volunteer programs, mentor, take classes, start the process now! Sneak away with your husband. Plan that trip you’ve been postponing, and take it. The phone and e-mail will keep you and your son close. Try to enjoy your son’s college experience with him. Attend parents’
weekend and take an interest in the classes he is taking. You may even want to read some of the books he reads so you can talk about them with him.

Try this book: Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Today’s College Experience, by Coburn & Treeger

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TOUGH TRANSITIONS

I currently subscribe to your great publication. I just read the interview with Michele Letourneau in a past issue and enjoyed her comments. I feel the same way she does in many situations. Being an only child is a unique and positive experience. I am a 26-year-old only child and have loved being the only child in my parents’ life. I have had a great relationship with them. My father spent 26+ years as a naval officer and retired in 1990 as a pilot.. He was a captain.  We moved about 13-14 times by the time I was on my way to college, which made for an even more interesting and wonderful life as an only child.
On June 21, 1998, my father died suddenly and sadly from a heart attack. It was on Father’s Day. How ironic it had to happen on that day. Since then, my role as an only child has changed tremendously. I feel quite young to have lost my Dad and sometimes feel very alone even though my mother is my best friend. My life is completely different now. I am scared of my family size and don’t want to be orphaned. After much reading, I know I am not alone. I would love to share my story and/or speak to someone in a similar situation. Thanks for your work and for bringing only children together.

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Thank you for your response to the interview with Michelle LeTourneau. I am so glad that you found it helpful. Please write us your story so that we can share it with others who may learn from you. I am so sorry about your loss, but you sound like someone who will always make the best of any situation. I hope that you have some close friends you can turn to when you need extra support. You can always write us and talk about what’s on your mind. We do look forward to hearing from you.

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DOING THE RIGHT THING

I discovered your site through ‘the start page’ in the web. I come from Holland, so my English will not be perfect.
I’m the mother of an only child. It was a conscious choice and I’m very happy with it. I too got comments like, ‘When will the second child come?” and “No more children. That’s sad for you.” When I have doubts it’s only because people say those things. My daughter is five years old and we were never in a situation, in which I thought, “And now it would be better to have more children.” When my daughter needs company she goes to the boy next door, who by the way, is an only child too. But when she feels like playing alone, which happens, she stays at home and plays alone.
The three of us went on vacation to Spain, and my daughter found so many other children to play with she was never alone. When she is older and wants to go to university, she can go because we will be able to afford it. If we had more than one it wouldn’t be possible.
My best friend has three lovely children, but I’m not jealous. She is always busy with school, sports, birthday parties, her own job etc. Even if my daughter had bothers or sisters there would be no guarantee that they would get on well. I know families with four adult children who never see each other and when the father is sick, it is always the same person in that family who takes care of him. I have a colleague who has one brother whom she hates. Maybe these are isolated examples, but it is not always love and happiness in the families.
In other words, I think I am doing the right thing.

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DOUBTING MOM

Hi. I am the mom of one very wonderful little boy named James who is two. I struggle with the issue of raising an only child and naturally want to do what is best for him. He is our delight and we love him more than we ever dreamed possible. I would have been sorry had I never had this person in my life...he is our angel. We are older parents. I am nearly 40 and dad is 47. How do I know if only one is right for us? How do I know if only one is right for Jimmy? We are very happy now and love the trio we’ve become. Wouldn’t a foursome be twice as wonderful? I don’t know. Please send me whatever you’ve got, and I will absorb it like a sponge. Thanks so much for your organization.

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Deciding how many children to have is so personal that it’s difficult to say what would be best for you. Having another child might round out your family and make you happier than having one. But it also changes the dynamics of your relationships forever. Families with more than one child may not be as closely bonded as families with one. Siblings often rely on one another more than they rely on you for sharing feelings and experiences. This is natural and can be extremely beneficial. As far as families are concerned, there can be joy in any number. The one thing you don’t want to do, however, is be pressured into having a child you don’t really want. Nor should you have another child because you feel guilty. Only children grow up just fine and statistically are higher achievers than kids with siblings. They are also strong and resourceful. Good luck no matter what path you choose.

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SOCIAL GRACES

I am the father of an eleven-year-old boy. He is our only child.
Today, while doing playground duty at his school, I observed an emotional outburst from a young girl who happens to be in the second grade. She was expressing great sadness and anger at what she believed to be abandonment by a close friend. This friend of hers seemed truly shocked at this accusation.
Natalie was surrounded by a number of other girls who seemed equally confused by Ivana’s accusations. As I began to mediate the situation, it became obvious to me that what Ivana perceived as rejection, Natalie saw as the result of simply choosing to include others (in addition to Ivana) in play. I spoke with Ivana apart from the group. As she expressed her feelings and thoughts, I found myself hearing things that sounded familiar. So, I asked if she had any brothers or sisters. She said no. One of the things that my wife and I have realized over the past few years is that an only child views socialization differently than children who have siblings at home. To these children play often must be dictated by their own interests. They seem genuinely challenged when it comes to participating as an equal in play. They can also be particularly sensitive when attention is being given to one individual in that group other than themselves.
My intention is to explore resources that may provide support for only kids by helping them develop social skills that balance out their inclination to focus on themselves.

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What you have observed in your child and Ivana can certainly be an only child issue. But children with siblings can have the same sensitivities, especially if their siblings tend to exclude them in their play. Only children who are allowed to control situations at home and whose opinions are given too much weight often feel that they can control situations with their peers. Ivana felt rejected because she wanted to be the center of Natalie’s attention just as she is the center of her parents’ attention. Also, because only children don’t have siblings their friendships, even casual ones, are very important to them.
Kids with siblings learn about rejection from their brothers or sisters on a daily basis, and they learn that they can and will survive that rejection. Only children have to learn that from their peers, which they ultimately do. It just takes a little longer. Parents need to let that rejection process proceed without their interference. Kids will learn how to deal with it on their own. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to your child about what is going on, but let her try to find solutions on her own.

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