LETTING GO

My only child is graduating from high school this year, and I’m not handling it well. My son is extremely bright and capable and has been accepted at some premium schools far from home. I’m torn because I will miss him terribly, but I don’t share these feelings with him. My husband and I know that we must give our son wings (especially necessary for an only), but I need some advice for coping. I feel like I’m in mourning. Some days I’m so happy for him and other days I am so sad I can cry at the drop of a hat. Help!!

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You’re not alone! When any child leaves home it’s hard. But when it’s your one and only, it can be overwhelming! The old saying, “You have to let go to hold on” may be trite but it’s certainly true. During those times when you feel overwhelmingly sad remember how much your son has accomplished (with your help, of course) and feel proud. Remember how much effort it took to get him where he is today and pat yourself on the back. Then think about all the things you will now be free to do. It’s your time to move on too. Explore your options, and share your thoughts and feelings with your husband and son. Ask their advice about how to fill your time. If you include them in the process, it makes it easier on you, and you won’t feel quite so alone. Start looking into volunteer programs, mentor, take classes, start the process now! Sneak away with your husband. Plan that trip you’ve been postponing, and take it. The phone and e-mail will keep you and your son close. Try to enjoy your son’s college experience with him. Attend parents’
weekend and take an interest in the classes he is taking. You may even want to read some of the books he reads so you can talk about them with him.

Try this book: Letting Go: A Parent’s Guide to Today’s College Experience, by Coburn & Treeger

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Comments

[Brandi]

Maybe it will help to know that only children do come around! I look at my friends with older and/or younger siblings and none of them have the relationship with their parents that I have with mine. In th first year or two of "liberation" from the commonly overprotective and somewhat suffocating parents of only children, we tend to push away as hard as we can but once we feel the control of our life belongs to us that changes. As soon as my mom started treating me like an adult...truly an adult, like I could live with her and come home whenever without question and things like that, I became friends with her again. My Dad, only two years ago (I was 23) tried to enforce a curfew on me when I stayed with him at Christmas and we quickly found ourselves in a situation of pushing again. Last year he and my stepmother made a big deal over letting me borrow the car until anytime as long as it was back before they needed to go to work and we had a much more pleasant holiday. I guess I'm saying, as soon as your son feels you are his friend and you are there for him if he needs you but you are willing to step back until he needs you, then you will probably enjoy a much closer relationship than you knew was possible. In the meantime, and forever after, you really should try to view this as a time for you to finally do the things you put off because you had a kid. Maybe travelling or going back to school yourself...maybe teaching some classes in whatever you have knowledge and experience in (local community centers and community colleges often have part time instructors on everything from stained glass to babysitting so if you don't have a degree don't think you need one to teach your wisdom!). My mom got really involved with her mom after I left for college and her mom was really into volunteering so now my mom is practically a full time volunteer for the VFW and she's gone from calling me too often to being difficult to get ahold of!!!

[Shelby Kaylor]

This is my daughter's sophomore year at college 3 hours away from home. I retired from my job last year and have been helping my husband with his business since. Anyway, this year has been the hardest, I think, because she got an apartment (instead of dorm life) with friends. She doesn't come home as often as her freshmen year and it has been really hard on me. I guess I'm not ready to let go . . . I wish that I had had more children and am feeling guilty that she doesn't have a brother or sister, although my husband has (2) grown children from a previous marriage. I am constantly worrying about her. How do you cope with this?

[gigisunay]

I understand you so well.
I am sure you are better now about the distance between your son and you, but I know it is still not easy.
I have the exact same situation. My son-only child. He went first to CU in NYC. I was hoping after graduation he will come to home city for medical school. He did not come although he got accepted at home university medical school which has a very top ranking (in first 25 in USA), he stayed in NYC again for medical school too. I can not let him go. If I don't talk to him every day I cannot even sleep. I know I am giving hard times to him, but I cannot help. My mind is always with him. I am trying to see him ever other 6 weeks, but air travel is expensive and hurts my budget. Help-I need a good help!