PLAYING FAIR

I heard about your web site in our local paper, and I think it is a great idea. I often feel guilty about having an only child. My daughter is five years old and always wants play dates after school and on weekends. I try hard to arrange this, but it’s not always possible to have one every day or even every other day. She was crying about this today and said, “It’s almost like having no friends.” It breaks my heart. I feel guilty and don’t know what to do. Even our vacation at the beach is becoming an issue. Who will she play with? Will she have fun if it’s just us? Unfortunately our family is not that big so there aren’t many cousins. Any comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated. I am really at odds. It seems all I do is try to plan play dates!

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One of the hardest lessons for any child to learn is how to occupy himself/herself. It’s a universal complaint and not unique to only children. But parents of only children (like you) sometimes feel that they must occupy their child’s every waking moment. Of course your daughter is going to do whatever she can to manipulate you and get what she wants. Why not? Don’t fall for it, and don’t feel guilty about it. Your daughter needs to learn to occupy herself. Set up quiet time for your daughter to play in her room with her toys. Encourage her to picture read her books and come back and tell you her versions of the stories. Set up challenges like art projects that will develop her creativity. Don’t let the TV be your baby-sitter. As far as the vacation is concerned, follow the same plans. If other children are around, encourage her to reach out. She will ultimately have to learn these skills and it’s never too early. Don’t be so quick to jump in and “make it all better.” Siblings teach each other how to survive disappointment and rejection. Only children have to learn that by participation and interaction.
Above all, don’t feel guilty. All of us come into the world with limitations, and no one has the perfect life. The important thing is to make the most of what we have.

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Comments

[Brandi]

As a 25 year old only child I think I may have something useful for you. I think it can be both an advantage and disadvantage of only children that they are forced to learn both extravert and introvert skills. On the positive side, alone time is what makes us more independant and self-motivated than the average person with siblings. On the downside, we do have to try harder to have companionship. The thing is, WE TRY harder. If you make your child's playdates so frequently, it seems like you are taking away both the alone time and the need to learn to get along with others. Not to say your daughter doesn't get along with the children you arrange for her to play with but "finding" the children should happen through your daughter. If she isn't becoming friends with her schoolmates, maybe it would be easier if you got her into some afterschool activities. Then she will have social interaction with a consistent group of kids outside of school that share an interest with her.
At five and six, I was in dance. I don't recall how many days a week it was but I went to the same dance school some other girls in my class did, so our parents could take turns driving us and we became closer friends at school because of our after school activities. To be honest, outside of that, I didn't go to people's houses to play except for special occasions like birthdays or Christmas parties. I also didn't feel all that lonely. By the time I got home from dance, it was almost time to get ready for dinner and then after dinner I colored and played in my room and then my parents worked with me on reading or telling time or some other age appropriate learning before bed.
Anyway, maybe you would feel less frustrated if you got her involved in an after school program like dance or other sports or art classes or even one of those after school "day care" programs that organizes art projects and sports together. Then make the weekend family time. You can play with your kid and not have her be "bored." Take her to the zoo and get excited about the animals with her, take her to the library and help her pick out books to read together, go to the park and teach her to throw "like a boy" (I am well versed in typical boy and girl things because I was my dad's son and my mother's daughter...and it's a GREAT thing because I don't need a guy to change my tire or fix a broken faucet). You get the idea, there are so many ways to play with your kid and really the weekend is the time to do it since that's when you have the time and energy for it.
At the beach, let her bury you in the sand, teach her to build a sand castle, take her out in the waves deeper than where she could go alone...there is no good reason that a family vacation should require playmates...you just have to be sure to play! Find your inner kid and show her how much fun her parents can be before she gets to the age where all kids think their parents are lame...seriously, after highschool was over and I was on my own, I really appreciated my mom and dad having played with me. I still think my mom is the greatest friend I could have and that was because of the time she spent with me when I was little (and she was an executive Mom, not a stay at home Mom). I hope that helps. I don't think you should worry about playdates but I also recommend finding other ways to keep her active and social because just telling her to play by herself all the time will cause her to feel like social interaction is a reward and alone time is a punishment and that will not be a healthy attitude. And most definantly, if she doesn't get to play with kids on the weekends, she will need to play with you or she will end up feeling alienated from her peers and more importantly from her family.
And in a couple years, when she is old enough to arrange her own "playdates," she will choose to spend more time with you only if you have taken the time now to show her how fun you can be. And by fun I don't mean no rules, I mean you can act like a kid and be silly but still have a firm grasp on when it's time to be the parent (I think this also helped my ability to make good decision later...in highschool I got in my share of trouble but I always knew when enough was enough and ended up in less trouble than most of my friends). OK, hope that novel helped!

[susan]

I have an only child. She was born when I was 31. I didn't have one plan to raise a child. I adjusted (everything). I wanted to know how to raise a happy healthy child so I went to school to learn about child development. When other parents saw what I was doing, they didn't start enrolling too, instead they started bringing their kids to me. So, for 10 years I was a certified child care provider. It worked out so well for me, since I knew I wasn't going to have any more kids. It was the greatest compliment to me when over the years, each and every child I helped to raise would not want to leave when their parents showed up. I did feel for the parents, however I stayed neutral. When my daughter became older and didn't really need other kids around, I went to work in an office.

[Tobi]

I can't believe some of these comments that make it sound like being an only is so terrible! It just goes to show how much effect the media and psychologists have!
I am a happy well-adjusted only child, and from your comment, it sounds like your daughter has learned an important lesson from you--she knows you feel guilty that she is an only child, and she is using it to her advantage. Only children (myself included) learn early on to sit back, watch, and see what we can use to our advantage. As young children primarily in the company of adults, we learn what makes adults tick, and as it is just human nature, we figure out how to get what we want by any means necessary. That doesn't make us bad...any child will try to get what they want, but onlies are much more in tune with what makes their parents tick than children with sibs, and your child knows how to push your buttons.

[Bob]

I am an only child,i personaly dont like it.
All the other children say they want to be like me.
Really i envy them(who have siblings)because they have another child there all the time.
Half of the time when i'm not at school I just sit in the house on my own.

[Allison]

I have an only child (of my own). I was 37 when I had him and after testing we found that "my husband" was unable to have more. We were set to go through IVF, but my husband made it so difficult (not showing up for appointments, not talking about the schedule we had to keep, etc), that I opted out (...if I had to do it all over again.....). My son is 5 and his two half sisters (from a previous marriage) aren't interested in being around him (they are older and are at that stage where they have their own interests). I see the sadness in his eyes when his sisters don't make it a point to be with him at Christmas and holidays. I hear him brag about his sisters spending time with him. So, I am constantly trying to "fill his time" with fun events so he doesn't think about NOT having siblings. I want his childhood to be like many who have said that being an only child was OK. He is well adjusted and seems to be happy, but I can certainly sympathize with this mom.

[cath]

I am a single mother with an only child (5 year old daughter). I also feel guilty that she doesn't have siblings and hope that will change one day. But, I also agree that an only child can be completely well adjusted and happy. So far, my daughter has not shown the slightest signs of boredom, loneliness, or disappointment on family vacations. She is thrilled to be at the ocean and plays with me and my parents or just by herself. Occasionally she meets another child on the beach but you never know if this will happen or not. I feel very close and in touch with my daughter's feelings. It is impossible for me to arrange a lot of play dates so we have just learned how to entertain ourselves most evenings. It is something that I constantly try to keep in check and work on ways to improve her social time...while keeping the cost and time factor in line too. I recommend arranging play dates for you and your child in addition to play dates with other children and after school activities if possible. We have a great time together and I really will cherish our playtime. It has done a lot for my imagination as well as hers.

[karla]

For everyone that thinks siblings are great. . . I am the oldest of 3. My brother has stolen a large amount of money from my parents. Is constantly living off them. They pay his mortgage his car insurance. Hes 31. My sister abandoned her 4 children (ages 2-17) to live with her boyfriend shes 35. I am so ashamed of the people that were chosen for me! My SIBLINGS! Growing up my sister was the wild child. Breaking my mothers heart. Accusing my father of being a bad dad. Skipping school. Running away. Shoplifting. Sleeping around. Getting physical with my dear mother. My brother the baby, growing up... had to have whatever he wanted. We had to let him have whatever he wanted.Even if we were playing with it, or using it. We had to hand it over right there and then if he asked for it. I havent talked to them in about 3 years and life without them is so peaceful. So drama free. The family I CHOSE. My husband and my only child daughter who is now 17 are what makes my life such a happy one. I always knew I wanted one child and preferably a daughter. I GOT IT!!! As for my daughter having any cousins or aunts and uncles on my side. She does not like to associate with any of them.Her elementary school friends are still her best friends today.
My mom and dad's life and old age would have been a much better, easier one today had they chosen to stop at just me.
So ONLY CHILD youre lucky!

[Lyn]

I can relate so well to the feelings of guilt in having an only child. For health reasons having another child is not possible and even though the choice is not there for me, I feel constantly guilty for only having one child. My 7 year old son is constantly making requests to do things, go places and play, I find it really pushes the guilt button and I feel depressed that I can't fulfil his ongoing social needs. I feel sad when other parents don't invite him to play because their children "entertain eachother". I feel that I always have to make the play dates happen. As I have been unwell recently I cannot arrange play dates for him and have asked other people to have him over to play. They do assist but it's difficult to always be reaching out in one way or another. As a child I always had someone to play with, whether it be my older sister or brother or a neighbour. There were always friends around. These days you can't even let your child walk to the shop without being with them. I do feel that I as a family we are in the minority group and I'm tired of feeling inadequate because we have "only one". Not having any cousins or relatives near by is also very socially isolating and to be honest, at this point in my life, I'm not very happy about the situation. Perhaps someone has been through these feelings and can relate and perhaps you have some good news or ideas to share with me.