SOCIAL GRACES

I am the father of an eleven-year-old boy. He is our only child.
Today, while doing playground duty at his school, I observed an emotional outburst from a young girl who happens to be in the second grade. She was expressing great sadness and anger at what she believed to be abandonment by a close friend. This friend of hers seemed truly shocked at this accusation.
Natalie was surrounded by a number of other girls who seemed equally confused by Ivana’s accusations. As I began to mediate the situation, it became obvious to me that what Ivana perceived as rejection, Natalie saw as the result of simply choosing to include others (in addition to Ivana) in play. I spoke with Ivana apart from the group. As she expressed her feelings and thoughts, I found myself hearing things that sounded familiar. So, I asked if she had any brothers or sisters. She said no. One of the things that my wife and I have realized over the past few years is that an only child views socialization differently than children who have siblings at home. To these children play often must be dictated by their own interests. They seem genuinely challenged when it comes to participating as an equal in play. They can also be particularly sensitive when attention is being given to one individual in that group other than themselves.
My intention is to explore resources that may provide support for only kids by helping them develop social skills that balance out their inclination to focus on themselves.

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What you have observed in your child and Ivana can certainly be an only child issue. But children with siblings can have the same sensitivities, especially if their siblings tend to exclude them in their play. Only children who are allowed to control situations at home and whose opinions are given too much weight often feel that they can control situations with their peers. Ivana felt rejected because she wanted to be the center of Natalie’s attention just as she is the center of her parents’ attention. Also, because only children don’t have siblings their friendships, even casual ones, are very important to them.
Kids with siblings learn about rejection from their brothers or sisters on a daily basis, and they learn that they can and will survive that rejection. Only children have to learn that from their peers, which they ultimately do. It just takes a little longer. Parents need to let that rejection process proceed without their interference. Kids will learn how to deal with it on their own. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to your child about what is going on, but let her try to find solutions on her own.

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Comments

[Brandi]

I see this is a somewhat older notice but I just found this page and I wanted to put my two cents worth in for the boy. He is at this point old enough to have a sensitivity to others but it must be cultivated in any child. I think the best thing that helped me to be less selfish and selfcentered was not only in trying to make friends at school but also in volunteering for less advantaged kids. Christmas angels, soup kitchens, toy drives, all these activities helped me learn to give up my own desires for another and I think it is probably especially important to only children, even when they are older and get into highschool where everything becomes a competition instead of a sharing experience.

[Kim]

As a parent of an only child who is experiencing difficulties with making friends in 1st grade, I would appreciate suggestions for how I can guide him.