Well-ADJUSTED AND QUITE HAPPY!

I am 40 years old and an only child. Back in the 70's when I was growing up, I was an oddity. I was pretty much the only kid without siblings. I wished I had some, but I was still well-adjusted and quite happy.

Now, however, I am actually quite thrilled to be an only child. I enjoy that I am free to make my own decisions about my life without alot of interference from siblings. I am also raising an only child, who is also quite comfortable that way.

The myth of the spoiled rotten, selfish, anti-social only child needs to be crushed. I think, being an only child actually made me less selfish and less anti-social. I had to get out there and make more friends and be more sociable, because if I didn't, I would always be lonely.

I have also learned there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. I love being alone. I thrive on it. People say "you must be lonely". No. Not at all. I'm just very comfortable and happy by myself. That's not lonely at all. Being an only child taught me how to entertain myself and enjoy myself.

Only children are probably some of the most well-adjusted people on earth. But I guess that's our little secret, isn't it?

Comments

[Tobi]

Well, it;s not a secret anymore! LOL!
But, seriously, I am puzzled by the fact that everyone tries to "figure us out" Only children aren't some crazy mutant strain. I am proud to be an only. I had the best of both worlds. I have lifelong friends who I love dearly, and I picked them! Unlike you poor slobs who are stuck with the siblings you got!!
I had friends growing up who had siblings, and I loved spending time at their houses. It ran so differently from my own, but deep down, I loved it that I could go home and escape what I saw as chaos at their houses.
No one played with my toys...no one interrupted me when I was reading a book...MY parents liked ME best...No sibling rivalry here!
HA HA! But really, it's not a disease, and I am a little offended when people say "only" like there's something wrong with it. It's not bad...just different!

[Susan Licata]

Thank-you for giving me, a mother of an only
child, daughter 8 years old, a little less guilt, that
I have done something wrong. My daughter is
very diverse in every way, an old soul...she is
friendly, happy, and lots of fun. My mommy
friends feel sorry for her! I'm starting to worry
how her friends are going to treat her as far
as being "different". I really don't think we have
have really come all that far from that thinking be
an only child is not okay!
Do you have any advice?

[Kate]

The other day I came across a time article discussing how siblings were “life partners.” Well as a teenage “l”only child, I found this a bit depressing. I know very few people who are only children, and I have no friends that are, so talking about the bad parts of being an only child falls on deaf ears. “You’re so lucky,” they say, “You don’t have to share anything.” Yes, but I also never learned to share, which is a problem when your in elementary school. “You don’t have to deal with any annoying siblings,” They’ll tell me. Yes, but it gets rather lonely when you’re on vacation with your family and mom and dad don’t want to play. “You get everything you want,” they say, “your parents only buy things for you.” Yes, but I’d much rather fight a thousand fights with a sibling than have all the toys I could want. The point is, I’ve learned to deal with being alone and I’ve gotten quite good at it. I can spend hours by myself reading, or working, or thinking. But I would rather spend hours laughing, talking and/or screaming at a bunch of kids who live with me. This is the problem with being an only child. Either you learn to make friends very quickly, gain popularity and have fun. Or you learn to be alone, you learn to adjust when peers let you down, and you learn to fight for yourself, because you won’t have siblings to help you. You learn to think through your problems, and you learn to confide in yourself, because in effect you are your sibling. You are your playmate; you are your “life partner.” Through being an only child you gain confidence in thinking, talking to adults and being independent. But while you gain a stunning self-confidence in some areas you also sometimes receive crippling low-self esteem when it comes to making friends, interacting with peers, and being “normal.” When a parent or adult looks at me, they see a charming, polite and intelligent person. That’s because when I am with adults I think like one, I am in effect, playing a part. And this part is easy, I know my lines, I know my stage directions. When I am with my peers, it’s like my role has been switched, I have to act differently. My lines have changed; I don’t know where I’m supposed to stand on stage; I don’t know what to do with the tone of my voice. This is why I tend to take a leadership role when with my peers. I see myself as someone fully grown already, and while I am intelligent enough to understand that I won’t be fully adult till I’m thirty, I still see myself as a separate entity from my peers. I do form close relationships with some, although I don’t tend to have more than three great friends at a time. The majority of people are acquaintances or classmates, people with whom I interact with at school and work on projects with, but people who I find it awkward to call up on a weekend and ask them to do something. Large groups intimidate me, unless I’m directing the play, then I find it easy to talk and make jokes. Relationships with my peers have developed as I have grown. As those around me become more independent and “adult like” I find myself fitting in more than when I was in elementary and middle school. Most likely, and this is a personal hypothesis, when I am an adult I’ll be very sociable and find it easy to approach my peers. I’ve been playing an adult for a long time, when I finally am one it shouldn’t be too much of an adjustment for me. There is one goal now. I have decided that I will have children, not a child. I’ve struggled with being an only child, and while I wouldn’t call myself permanently scarred or hurt, I would say that if I could change one thing about my life it would be to have a sibling. I want my kids to have siblings; I want them to fight with each other, share with each other and love each other. What makes me sad now is that my children won’t have aunts or uncles from my side. They won’t have cousins who visit during the summer, and I won’t have family after my parents die. This is a frightening thought for someone who has depended on them as one would depend on siblings. They are my family, my only close family. So don’t make more only children. Because although we are physically self sufficient, and independent, we are also very sensitive and in need of “life partners.”

[ana]

Kate,
As a woman with 2 brothers, having siblings does not guarantee a "life partner". Just because you have brothers or sisters does not mean you have automatic social skills or the ability to feel comfortable with friends or peers or a built in playmate or best friend. Siblings can cause longterm pain just as much as they can provide companionship. Also, the extended family that a sibling may provide isn't a guarantee either. Life isn't perfect and the grass is always greener in many cases. A person's personality is not only formed by family....there is parenting "style" and innate characteristics that play a significant role as well. You may have had the same personality issues with 3 brothers or sisters. Don't blame all your problems on being an only child.

[Meg]

Where does this only child stereotype come from? The only difference between us and everyone else is that we have a closer relationship to our parents and are closer to the adult world in general. We have never had to fight for resources or attention, and everything we do in life, we have to earn on our own. My father had six kids in his family, my mother four. Even THEY "felt sorry for me" and, once they saw how silly that was, monitored the other only child myths, making sure I wasn't too spoiled, too this, too that. And yet, my mother never wants to spend any time with her sisters, saying they have little in common. They have never even been to her house. I'd rather have zero than one who I love and can't get along with. My father has clung to his siblings for over 55 years. They fought his fights, made his friends, even introduced him to my mother. He has never gotten a job or found a house on his own without a sibling. Sounds great, except that he still competes with them. Family get-togethers are an all out brag fest--worse than a high school reunion. My husband has a nostalgic and strained relationship with his brother who lives far away and calls infrequently due to his own jealousy. Something I think I possess as an only child is the ability to see through this. What seems like perfectly healthy competition to a person with siblings, is much more transparent to an only child. If you have only children, this is what you should pity them for. Feel sorry that they have to put up with the bull of the insecure and interdependent sibling world.

[Laurie Williams]

I am so glad I found this website. I am an only child and I have an only child. I love being alone but am not lonely and I see that in my son also. He can entertain himself like you would not believe but when the neighbor kids come knocking he is out the door! I worry about him sometimes because he doesn't always like to go out in public to do things (the park, out to eat, to the movies) and he can be very much a homebody but I look at myself and I see he is alot like me. My husband is the oldest of six and soesn't always understand either of us or why we like quiet and alone time so much but he gets over it. Growing up I never thought much of being an only but now that I am older I see that all responsibility for my mom rests on my shoulders. (Shes not married)It scares me a little, I won't have a parent left when she passes and financially and emotionally it will be draining. I'm at a point now where I'm not sure if I want to do this same thing to my son when I am perfectly capable of having another child. I see that he is well adjusted and can handle being an only himself but what a burden to carry when you get older.

[scrappnjoyce]

I ahve an only child who is 5 years old. Physically I can in all likelihood have another but I just dont think I an handle it. The best way I can think of to describe my situation is a lack of resoruces. I work full time not becasue I am in love with my career but because my husband's income alone would make life very difficult and we need my benefits as well. If we had one fabulous income and I cuold stay at home yes I think I might def consider having another one-- but thatis pure fantasy. Also we dont have family to rely on for help, so the cost of childcare would be a major issue. And I already ahve to walk my son about a mile to school befor going to work and the idea of trying to get to a daycare center at... what? 6:30 in the morning... prior to school seems daunting. Everyone has said "so just et a nanny!!" such an assumption that I could afford that. And mentally/emotionally I just amnot sure I could handle another child along with a full time job. I am very torn. Very sad at times. It seems that a great increase in our incomes would make things easier and I hate to wrtie off another chidl based on "we cannot afford it". It seems like a child should be more valuable than money-- but what if we would be so stressed over paying for school (we live in NYC where very few public schools are very good--we do not go the $$$$ private route but even another parochial school tuition would be rough) and then paying for college and THE BIG ONE-- RETIRMENT, really scares me. I stress over our decisiona ll the time. If another preganancy would happen unexpectedly then we would take a deep breath and welcome the baby, but I dont think I could responsibly plan to have another.

[Lindsey]

I'm 22. I'm an only child. I laugh at people when they tell me "I might get lonely." I even get this from my own mother. I wish people would stop telling me that. There is a difference between being "alone" and being "lonely." I love being alone. I thrive on it. Like many only children I am completely happy alone and know how to entertain myself. I find it funny when other only children whine about wanting siblings. That's the last thing I would've wanted as a kid and especially now. Sure being an only child is a very different experience, but I think it teaches you a lot. You learn to be independent, you know how to get along with adults (you down't cower in fear when talking to an authority figure which is great), and we are more determined. Sometimes it makes me sad that if I ever do have children they won't have aunts/uncles on my side or cousins and I worry about having to take care of my parents when they are elderly, but over all I don't mind being an "only." The stereotypes may be true in theory, but they don't hold much against what people actually find out when they take the time to ask an only child about their life. So take it from me: most of us are NOT lonely. Thank you.

[justin s]

i am an only child(15) go only child!!!

[Annabella G.]

I, too, am a 40 year old only child -- happy, healthy and well-adjusted. While I am thrilled to be married into a large family (my husband is 1 of 5 children, though I call him "2 of 5" because he is very much a stereotypical middle child), I would not have it any other way. My father has battled cancer for the past year, and this has been a great weight on me as an only. Though I have no sibling support, I also have no sibling disagreements as to course of treatment, etc. But it's just one phase of my life.

I was unable to have a child of my own but never for one minute considered having more than one. I recognize the multiple advantages of my life as an only. Not having a playmate at home only encouraged me to be more outgoing and form friendships outside the family, and I have rarely been lonely.

The only moment I have ever really felt I was a lonely only? Christmas morning from about ages 6-14. My parents are terrible gift givers, and I never had anything exciting to open. I would have liked to share the misery with someone. I'll trade an hour a year for a childhood of enjoying sleeping on the back seat of the car all sprawled out.

[Matthew Wright]

The posting above by Kate is accurate to my experience in some ways. I am 43 and an only. In fact, I guess I am the stereotypical 'lonely' only. It's true to say that I don't really know what it is not to be lonely. Being alone is all I know. Even when I am not physically alone, this is how I am inside.

When I was a kid I used to look at my parents and see how happy they were spending time with their brothers and sisters, and wonder why they decided not to let me ever experience that sense of belonging. My father, reflecting on his own sibling relationships, once told me that it is important to have people close who you can reminisce with when you get older. "If you don't have brothers and sisters" he added, "you're lost."

Parents need good advice on raising an only child, for sure. My concern is that advice can easily be misinterpreted as advocacy. The positive stories about happy self-confident only children come exclusively from people who had the benefit of loving parents. In life, sadly this is not always the case. Being an only in a loveless family can be worse than if there were siblings. Many people may see having one child as a good idea because everyone assumes they'll be ok as a parent, that they won't become disinterested, get divorced, etc. But the real world isn't always like that.

When I was 18 I tried to end my life. I struggled daily with clinical depression for the next ten years until a breakdown in my late twenties. All my life to date has been a struggle to get back to a place most people call 'normal'. I am the only person who has entered my home in 13 years that I have lived here.

This mess is due primarily to chronically poor parenting, but that experience has accentuated all the negative characteristics of being an only child, namely the sense of being alone and low self-esteem.

Having an only is more of a risk for the child if life doesn't work out the way you hope or expect.

[Sienna]

I am a 23 year old only child. Well, I grew up as one, but then found out when I was about 8 that I had 5 older half-siblings, one of whom I had been told all my life was my cousin. I was my fathers 6th child and my mothers only. I have found good and bad from being the only one. I had friends across the road who became my second family, I was always over there - there were three of them, and we are still like sisters.. but there were times I would feel sad that they really weren't my sisters..
I was quite popular and had many friends on my road at home and in my class at school, I was always around other children. The bad time is christmas. I dreaded christmas most years.. and am only starting to not really mind it. Being an only child at xmas is just plain boring! On holidays as well, you have noone to play with, and though I always made friends with kids, its when your out for dinner, or back at the hotel or in the car.. the times when people are usually with their sisters and brothers.. thats the time when it can be just plain depressing. I am a dreamer, which is positive as it shaped my career as a writer and journalist. I am highly motivated and not afraid to question people or authority. I know I probably took my career path because of the amount of time I spent thinking and pondering. I have good self esteem as my mother always gave me that. I suppose i was lucky not having to share her as I had alot of love and attention.. I cant imagaine having a sister or brother on my mothers side now it would just be weird. I always longed for a sibling when I was a child though and used to whine to my mother for one! I used to plead with her, but unfortunately due complications with an etopic preganacy after me, she could not and had to say no. She gets on with things and doesnt mind but has told me people even viewed her as selfish at times for only having one, which makes me angry as she is the least selfish person you could meet.
I always have gotten the whole stereotype bit from people, and been called 'spoiled' and all that. It really hurts sometimes, because its something you can never shake off or get away from. The other day I saw an old friend and we were joking about something i had done to her as a kid.. i made a jobe about me having no conscience.. she made a jibe about me being an only child.. I felt like screaming! Even your friends think its somehow your fault, and this was one of my so called best friends. The fact that I would put my friends first, and care deeply about other people must be lost on some people. I also have two only child friends who are both caring, friendly, popular, and extremely outgoing, sexy, sucessful woman. If you met them for the first time you wouldnt have a clue they were only children. I will end this rambling just by saying it would be nice if more people looked outside the box and saw only children to be just like everyone else.. its bad enough being the only one, but then people try and seperate you again by making you out to be different, when really we're just like everyone else trying to make our way in the world.

[Lauren]

I'm an 18 (almost 19) year old only child. I wished and wished for siblings when I was younger, and I've never really grown out of that wish. I was blessed with a mom who didn't work until I was into elementary school and was there for me, but I lived in a very small neighborhood without kids my exact age. I never went to daycare, and was only in pre-school the summer before kindergarten. That lack of being social I think is what contributed most to me being a bit of a stereotypical only child. I had trouble understanding how to be a good friend and fit in with the other kids at first. Even into high school, sharing was not my favorite thing at all, and I felt like I either had to be the center of attention or nobody was paying attention to me.
I think I've mostly grown out of that feeling, but I still think I have a bit of social anxiety (when I was younger I would've been a good candidate for Asperger's Syndrome). I also feel bad for my future kids (of which I want two) not having any cousins on my side of the family. A word of advice for parents of only kids - do your best to give them every chance to meet kids their age and learn how to share, among other things :)

[Kris]

HI

I am the youngest of three and my husband is an "only". We have one daughter who is 8, and he has two other daughters from a previous marriage who are 11 and 12. Recently their Mom moved them to Pennsylvania and moved to Michigan to be close to my family. Before the move I never really considered my daughter an "only" because we all lived so close and she seen her sisters everyday for school and every other weekend. Now with them living so far away we don't see them as much and think she is having a hard time dealing with it. Also there are not as many children in the neighborhood and feel quite quilty for taking her away from her friends plus the distance away from her sisters she seems very lonely. I have told her she needs to try and make more freinds but this is sometimes easier said then done. We have considered adoption but not sure this is the right choice. I would love to give her a sibling but then think it might be ok to be an 'only"...please give me any feedback.....

Thanks

[Melissa]

I just came back from a job interview and what shocked me was when he asked: Are you an only child? How could he tell?

And I ended up at this blog.

I've gone through pretty much what the most of you Onlies get. People assume that I'm spoilt, have my parents grant me everything and anything. Phew, if only they knew.

My parents were and still are very busy working parents. They hardly spent much time with me and I grew up loving my books and the internet, and my time alone. I have had to work hard at everything because I don't want my parents to have the only child being a failure in life, and it has been a constant goal-oriented thing. It gets tiring, honestly.

Most problems I have I keep it to myself. Besides my friends, I have no one to share it with and I'm not close to either sides of my parents family. Both sides are screwed up with their own dramas, what with all the sibling rivalry and the ugly episodes among my cousins and their parents etc. and I don't want to be dragged down financially and emotionally by their problems, which in most part have been created themselves out of their own irresponsibility.

As an only child, I think the thing that is most important is that we make it certain that we're able to live without being overly obligated to any party because you only have you yourself to live for. Friends do come and go. Love can betray you, and after all that you have to dust yourself and stand up, move forward again.

It's tiring, lonely, and not always easy. But we survive. We have to.

I take betrayal seriously and am very hurt whenever I encounter that. It's hard enough to trust someone when you're on your own in this world, and to have someone stab you is damaging.

I'm lucky that I have friends that I love and trust deeply, but I also carry the imminent scar, understanding that people aren't that kind.

It's scary to know if you don't have people really close to you, greying old and lonely with no one for you to reach out to.

I'm scared of that possiblity every single day.

[Sara]

Like many other Onlies, I'm very comfortable being alone in my own company in fact I enjoy it. However, I've never liked being an only child, we emigrated to Australia from Europe when I was 5 and there are no other family here, no cousins, aunts, etc. I was just very lucky the street I grew up in had a lot of kids my age. From that I didn't really develop a strong sense of family. My parents don't have a great relationship and I'm stuck in the middle, I've so wished I had siblings to share it with and share some of the burden of being in between them. Once my parents pass, that's it, I'm it. I always said I would have either 2 or 0 children, unless my partner's family was quite large and my child had a lot of cousins and family around. Of course circumstances sometimes don't allow a lot of people to have more than one child. I'm fortunate to have very close friends that to me are my sisters.

[Ann]

It seems as though a lot of people who have posted here are using the fact that they are only children as an excuse for every problem they have suffered later in life. Having siblings does not guarantee that you have a "life partner" (where did that notion start?) Nor does it guarantee that you will have a family filled with cousins or people to lean on. My husband and I have five siblings between us and not a single one of them has produced a cousin for our son. As for being close to your siblings, my father and his brother basically couldn't stand each other and spent the majority of their time arguing everytime they got together to make a family decision. While my husband and I certainly don't hate or dislike our siblings, I wouldn't characterize our relationships as "close." I think this is really a case of the "grass being greener" as one poster pointed out above. I had a sister and spent a lot of time fantasizing over how great life would have been if I'd only had a brother. Onlies at some point fantasize about siblings. Those in large families dream of smaller families. Life would certainly be better if we were all happy with what we got but I think it's natural to wonder about another scenario. As for dysfunctional onlies, I know plenty of people with siblings who are socially awkward, selfish and generally not nice people, so I doubt that number of or lack of siblings has anything to do with it.

[Angie Lei]

Oh, I have siblings. Let me tell you about mine. I am the youngest of three. I have an older brother and sister. My brother is a jerk who never comes to see my Mom because he's far too busy with his all important social life. I say he sees her four times a year at the most. He cheats on his wife and doesn't spend time with his two children. My sister is overbearing and a drama queen. If you don't do things her way she huffs and puffs like a child. She has no control of her own life as a single mother who can't control her kids so she tries to control mine. I just try to avoid her at all costs. Then, there's me. The baby. So I am left with the responsibility of taking care of my mother full time, while working, and going to school. I know other people have good relationships with their siblings, but I know a hell of alot of people who have realtionships with their siblings like mine. My mother was a stay at home Mom who put her whole life into trying to raise good kids, and my Dad was a man who worked very hard to provide for his family and give them the best life possible. I don't know why our family fell apart like it did. I'm just telling my story because I am reading these comments from only children who feel they are missing a life partner. They are imagining storybook siblings who all pitch in to take care of their family and who bring joy and constant companionship. Sometimes things don't work out that way so just be thankful for what you have instead of blaming your parents for not giving you a sibling. Create your own life connections like most only children do instead of whining that one wasn't handed to you.

[Tina]

I'm fine with being an only child, except it can be difficult when a parent is elderly and disabled. My mother had me at 45 and now is in assisted living. I am the only care provider, the only person who can drive her to the doctor, who can make financial decisions, who can oversee her property, etc. It could be a full-time job if I didn't set boundaries. I am constantly worried about her future. I know many people with siblings are left to manage elderly parents alone, due to different reasons. Still I think it would help if I knew I wasn't the only resource for my mother, financially or otherwise. It is at this time of life that I do wish for a sibling, even if my wish is for the imaginary "perfect" sibling who could not only help me with the day-to-day things like doctors' appointments but also provide me some assurance that if my mother's finances run out there will be another person besides myself who could provide monetary support. Caretaking can be lonely and stressful if you are the only one. So for parents of only children, please think about this, and also be extremely proactive about saving for your retirement and planning for your later years.

[Carol]

I am the youngest of 4. My husband is the youngest of 2. We tried for 6 years to get pregnant. Finally did and have a healthy baby girl. It's not easy going through fertility treatments and we're chosing not to try again. It's a crap shoot anyway. I'm hoping that my daughter isn't annoyed that we only have one and maybe one day she'll understand. We try to keep her social as possible and to spend a good amount of time w/ her cousins. But it's interesting to me to read these comments. I guess the only conclusion for me is to do my best give my daughter all the love she needs.