SOCIALIZATION INTO WHAT?

Yesterday, something happened that I've frankly dreaded since our son, a 7 1/2-year-old "only" child named Dylan, entered toddlerhood: The loud, boisterous, sometimes boundary-ignoring and ever-growing posse of neighborhood boys trooped up the driveway bearing hockey sticks, tree branches, and other stereotypical boyhood paraphernalia to see if he'd play with them. He and his mother had just returned from errands, and Dylan had gotten out of the car before she had, and in the bustle to get shopping into the house, she didn't hear if Dylan said anything in reply. She greeted the kids, they asked again, and she checked with Dylan and told them something to the effect of "No, not right now."

Why "dread"? That's where this gets complicated, so some background: I'm a writer/college professor, my wife is a visual artist and "stay-at-home mom" (the scare quotes I've already employed should be read as impatience with labels that seem to me demeaning). Both she and I can accurately be described as introverts, our artistic pursuits immensely nourishing to us, our love for our son saturating us, our friendships few but deep and rich. Dylan is extremely bright, articulate, imaginative and, with "normal" kids, especially "normal" boys, shy almost to the point of paralysis--until he's been around individuals for a little while. Even then, he hates large groups, has no interest in/great fear of (We sometimes can't sort our his reactions) group play, yet does fine in school, is well-liked by teacher and classmates, and, from what we've been able to deduce, isn't viewed as in any way unusual in his social behavior, though, again, he can't be described as "boisterous" except sometimes with us, his grandmother, the two of our friends who live close by, his one friend--that's right, at this point, he has one other kid that could qualify as friend--and his aunt.

Finally, he not only has no trouble, but eagerly approaches adults of all ages, the eighteen-year-old barijsta at the local Border's, the checkout clerk at the grocery store, various people at the food coop, perfect strangers all. He chats, waves whatever totem he's carrying (huge plastic spider, plush bat with built-in squeak, etc.) chats some more, asks them questions, waves goodbye, and so on.

We live in a neighborhood in which a number of the couples-with-kids (no one in the vicinity has an "only child") have formed a typical (I'm guessing, having, I confess, zero interest in anything beyond simple civility) network of activity: cookouts, mass trick-or-treating, impromptu games of football that bleed onto adjacent yards without regard to the wishes of the householder, barking dogs, roaring motorcycles, strutting adult male shirtlessness and bellowing, etc. etc. etc. The "headquarters" of the boy-posse is right next door, and when the prevailing temperature reaches 45 or 50, windows and doors get flung open, etc. etc. etc.

What's my question? I'm not exactly sure. Beyond working with Dylan so that he looks a kid or kids in the eye(s) and says, "No thanks" in a clear voice if/when he doesn't want to play, it mostly seems that it's OK that he doesn't play with these kids or any others he doesn't want to. Yet I worry (a great deal) that he's not getting some fundamental experience of finding his place in a group in which he's initially an alien, which is, after all, something that's necessary at various points in life. This is a deeply emotional situation for me, not only for his own welfare, but for my own, and somewhat less so, for my wife's. I worry that I just don't have any will or desire to nudge him into the scrum of boys because I so loathe the warmer-weather noise and the constant, sheer publicity of life in this otherwise pleasant neighborhood. To me, home is a sanctuary, a place to which to return to those you love and gain nourishment from, not a launching pad for public activity. The extroversion that characterizes American culture (not to get categorical here, but it's true) feels to this introvert (and pleased to be so!) much ado about less than nothing.

I guess I mostly wanted to get this off my chest, not that that will help (much) ease the anxiety sitting like a cold rock in my gut at the moment.

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Your letter and concerns are very interesting. Many parents of only children worry, sometimes obsessively, about whether their kids will be social enough and know how to get along with their peers, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution. It sounds as if Dylan gets along pretty well with his peers at school and certainly, like many only kids, has substantial comfort relating to adults. Since you describe both yourself and your wife as introverts, maybe Dylan is taking after you. Kids do inherit personalities from their parents along with their eyes and hair color. You don’t mention whether Dylan has a few close friends or not, but it is important that he have one or two , so that he can share “kid” things with them. It will help Dylan if you open up your home to some of those neighborhood boys in small ways. Dylan may feel overwhelmed by a large group of boisterous kids. Try inviting two of them and their parents over for a barbeque when the weather is pleasant. Also, you might engage in a little storytelling with Dylan. Make up a story that is similar to his experience about a boy who is invited to play but doesn’t respond politely. Talk about how the boy who is being ignored might feel. Give your characters names and place them in a different environment than your own. Clearly, you are a creative person and can come up with something imaginative. I think that Dylan will see himself in the story and understand that his own behavior was exclusionary and could hurt. Only children need to learn that their feelings aren’t the only ones that count. I think that you should make an effort to gently integrate your son into the neighborhood. After all, you are very lucky that there are plenty of other kids in the neighborhood that want to play. Dylan only has to find a few with whom he can relate. But if he senses that you don’t want other kids around, he won’t either. You are his role model. Take it from someone whose only child is grown up, enjoy every minute of the energy that kids bring with them. Once they leave home the house is all too quiet.

Comments

[Maxine]

Hi, I love your refreshing comments and concerns on having an only child. As African parents, we struggle with this, since it is a very rare occurence. We find our daugter, Ashley is very secure in her place at home and even more so at school and socially. Your son will grow out of the apparent shyness as he grows, since this is a phase my daughter went through and took a complete turn out of! We wish you all the best and be encouraged to pray over our children.

[Adele]

I am an older mom (50) with a 5 1/2 year old son. I suffered through SIX miscarraiges over a number of years before having my son at age 44. My husband has an adult step-daughter and an adult son from his first marriage. Believe it or not, his son had a child before we had ours so my son was an uncle when he was born! (It's less complicated than it sounds.)

I am unable to have another child and with my history, extremely grateful for the one I was finally blessed with. Both of my parents are deceased and my only sister was killed in a car accident at age 36 so I became an only child as an adult. I have good relationships with some of my cousins but they are sisters and I am but a cousin.

I worry that if anything happens to my husband or myself of what will happen to my son. Although he is not really an only child since he has two half-siblings, they are adults and have not taken a strong interest in him. This makes me sad and angry with them. I work very hard at setting up playdates for my son, I cultivate other mothers with kids his age, we are in a mothers and kids club that meets monthly, I make the best effort I can for him to know his relatives and he has been in daycare/pre-school since he was two mostly for the socialization. I too work from home. It is hard as an older mother to rise to being his playmate every day after school and he is getting to an age where he seems to feel lonely in a way he did not when he was younger. I do my best since these are the cards I was dealt. People have finally stopped asking me when I will have another, of course, everyone who has known me for a while knows my history of miscarraiges. I still get comments from people who do not know us well about him being spoiled, he should have a brother or sister etc. One thing that I know as a former sibling is that siblings are not necessarily your friend or a playmate. My sister was six years older than me so we rarely "played" together unless we were on a family trip and only had each other. Except for that, we had our own friends, and when she went to college I lived like an only child at home from age 11 on. My husband is one of nine kids, seven surviving, and they barely have relationships with each other so so much for big families. I feel divided but God saw fit to just give this one so he gets a lot of love from me.

[OnlyC]

This also applies to the first child in the family- since he is the only child for a while until the next one arrives.
My question then would be this- does spacing between the first born and the second affect how "only child" like your first child is? The second one is called the deflator (check for example http://onlychildproject.com where they talk about this. The same thing thing is discussed by writers of books on Birth Order)
As everyone gets culturally acclimatized to smaller families, an only child will not be a novelty anymore. At least, people will not ask you intrusive questions.
Check out this website and it will make you feel good about all the advantages an only child has: http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content2/only.child.html
Maybe that could reduce your pain.

[Momof1]

The guy who wrote the original comment could have been talking about our family. Our son's the same way (kind of quiet, not all that outgoing)...and our neighborhood is just like that (loud, do-everything-together, very public about everything). And we have the hockey team right next door to us, too! At first it used to bother me that the neighbor boys didn't ask my son to play soccer or baseball or whatever with them. Now, he doesn't really want to play with them. Over time, he's found his own friends who live fairly close by. Not right next door, but that's okay. Every once in a while we'll hang out with one neighborhood family at a time (rarely all at once)...and that seems to work. Good luck, though. Mabye you guys would want to move in next door to us.

[onlymom]

I can relate to the first writer's concerns with socialization. Today while my in-laws were here watching our 7 going on 20 child, she proceeded to call 4 different houses in the neighborhood and ask them to come play. She has never done this when we are here--truly never dialed the phone except to call family, but thought she could while we were away. Frustrating to come home to, to say the least and yet I cannot be mad at my inlaws because they had no idea that this is not usual (but that's another whole story about how much they truly "know" her). She said she just wanted a friend to play with. I just don't know where this came from. We are firm believers in the play dates must be scheduled ahead (it makes me really hate the idea of "play dates"). But our neighborhoods aren't like the 1950s where all the kids can play until mom calls for dinner. It's not that we don't want her to socialize, but home is a sacred haven. Do we always have to be "entertaining"? I know this isn't making lots of sense because I am still so upset about it. She is truly struggling with being the only, but oh how her world would be rocked if she wasn't! I know it sounds like we want to keep her sheltered, but more concern right now is, if we wouldn't let you do these things while we are here, why try when we are not. Is anyone else having lying issues with their onlies? I think she thinks this will help her fit in better???

[Chris]

I am horrified by these comments.
I am a 54 year old woman who is an only child.
Children need to play and interact with other children.
A home can be a sanctuary and still be loving,caring and filled with friends.
This article sounds more like people afraid to let their child out of their sight.
I am an introvert in that I do like quiet and being by myself BUT I also love to get together with people and enjoy their company.
Play dates MUST be scheduled?
Where is spontaneity?
My step daughter knows that when her "Only" child(daughter) is with us, we troll for kids for her to play with.
We keep her safe AND she gets to play. Childrens work. PLAY.

[Friella]

Sounds like your child (and you) may be gifted. You and your son sound like me and my child. Children who have high intelligence often but not always have elevated emotions, pet peeves, OE's (over exitabilities), etc. Have your child tested (I.Q., etc). I have one child who is gifted but popular, with a normal, laid back personality. My other child had to be transferred to a gifted school after 4th grade. Presently he/she skipped 8th grade and is about to enter high school. This kid loves to act and made varsity already on the high school team (I don't want to give alot of details for security reasons). While this kid loves group activites, he/she also loves alot of alone time (computer, reading, tv). Enroll the child in group sports/athletic activites and classes. There are free classes at our library... maybe there are at yours if you are strapped for cash? I'm an only child and remember going through a period of asking my mom to get pregnant. Looking back it doesn't matter. My kids are 4-1/2 years apart and there were some years they played together but mostly they didn't.
Try to encourage your son to have friends over. Start gradually and give you AND your child a chance to adjust and then increase the frequency. Sounds like it will help if you set boundaries. For example:
1. No screaming - outside voices outside
2. Make them (your son and his guests)clean up after wards
3. Stay out of the bedrooms and other forbidden rooms
4. Shoes off in the house
5. And any other rules that may help create structure for all involved
Also its better to have even numbers play together...3's a crowd.
We tended to have 1 kid over at a time and left the group play for birthday parties, sports activities, classes, etc. However, don't get carried away with the rules. Try to be flexible. You will learn what works.
In addition, if there was an interesting situation on tv or in the newspaper/magazine, that was a great time to bring up scenarios and the best way to deal with life issues of all sorts. I have been guilty of taping articles on their bathroom mirror if the subject was kind of embarrasing but I wanted the kids to be aware. Kids, not just onlies, need to learn to be forgiving, to accept all kids of all shapes and sizes and colors and know that the actions of others are the result of all kinds of situations. They need to learn to look past the imperfections and give others a chance. The world doesn't revolve around you. Don't be quick to judge. The "fat" kid and/or the "ugly" kid my turn out to be the most interesting and best friend you may ever have. AND there is a reason they appear the way they do...a reason that you may have never guessed and therefore you should not be quick to judge and be compassionate and open.
Lastly, my 2 best friends I met when our older kids were 3 years old through a toddler class at our park district.
However don't push your child to do anything. Just suggest and create opportunity when you can. Some people are very social and others are not. It depends on how you are wired. Avoid yelling, criticism and instead incorporate alot of positive reinforcement. Distraction is a tool I learned from my husband to handle a baby / toddler when they are being difficult. An older grade school child needs to learn coping mechanisms to become emotionally healthy. I could go on and on but have to sign off now.
Good luck :)

[sara]

I agree with Chris who wrote "Children need to play and interact with other children."

I'm a 29 year old only with a two year old only and I relish the time he gets to hang out spontaniously with other children because I enjoyed roaming with the pack as a child and playing soccer with the neighborhood kids. Keeping your kids so sheltered and structured perpetuates the "loney only" stereotype, IMHO.

[ChaosOrder]

Totally understand the original message poster, and several others. Both of us parents are introverts and our 9-year old only daughter somewhat so, but she relishes the time with very small groups of friends or simply-one-on-one. She also loves her home sanctuary time (as she herself has admitted after rowdy birthday parties or over-stayed sleepovers. We've found that, like the advice of one poster, select playdates with neighborhood or school-mates, one-on-one or 3 + 1 (even numbers work), are do-able. We definitely understand the labored feelings about "entertaining", so spontaneous playdates from the neighborhood are limited to our "witching hour" (between 5 and 6:30-7:00 before dinner) and alternate weekends (so we have "sanctuary" time). It's tough - but sometimes we the parents just suck it up for her sake. (Plus, we found that some wine during the get-to-know-you-better neighborhood barbecue slash playdate helps a lot!)

[donna]

Speaking from my only child experience, Do Not push your child into the whole socialization experience because you are afraid he is missing out on some "fundamental" experience. My mother did that and I got my "fundamental" experience, all right and it was not good. I, in many ways, am just now getting over it. It was horrible. Why couldn't I be just accepted and loved for who I was? I didn't have a problem being an only child. Why did she have to?

[fleur]

I think the original poster needs to lighten up! As an only child myself, I never had trouble making friends or socialising (regularly) with them. Playtime and friends are so important to a child (only or otherwise). Sounds like your son is shy but he is still young..give him time. Don't let him hide at home!

[Jean]

Ever wonder if the group went home feeling more alone than Dylan did?

[Proud Dad]

The thing that bothers me is, why does his father assume his lack of interest in socializing is because he's an only child?

[Paula B]

I have an only named Dylan as well. Different problem though. He's 6 and we live in a loud, lord-of-the-flies, numerous children out every night and weekend kind of neighborhood. It's great in a lot of ways, but Dylan is the only only boy. There's only a few girls and the rest are boys. All have siblings. They all get along really well, and when my Dylan gets in the mix, there's trouble. He's demanding, dominating, very creative and therefore a little alien to most of the kids, and he tends to alienate himself because most of the kids end of ignoring him or making a comment and then he feels on the outside. His big problem is impulse control and tends to hurt the children which I find totally unacceptable. I think he gets egged on a bit, and then he reaches a boiling point and unleashes himself, thus making him the bad guy. I think I'm venting too, but it's really hard to watch him losing friends but I guess he needs to learn that when you treat others that way, kids may not want to play with you. Most of the time, they get over it the next day, but I think it affects me more than the kids. I just hope he grows out of it and learns to control himself. They/we are all a work in progress but just wanted to share.

[Differently Drumming in PA]

What you're describing may have a lot to do with your Dylan's age. Especially for sensitive boys, that time seems especially fraught. It sounds like he's already getting the "behavior modification" that will make it clear to him how not to act if he wants to be "on the inside." If he knows how to "control himself" inside the house and if the link between behavior and consequences is made explicit over and over again, he'll learn to apply those lessons "outside." Good luck. It ain't easy.

[Anne]

I realize that the original post was quite some time ago, but I hope he checks back here. I have an only child too. It was completely NOT my plan to have one. I wanted to have two children and hoped that they would have the same close relationship that I had with my brother. Since that dream has not been realized, I am trying to raise a thoughtful, kind, generous 8yr. old daughter. My husband does not worry about her being an only as much as I do since he was never very close to his brother or sister. I am heartened as I have met other "onlies" that are the coolest people. Two of them are men and they have the most extensive and rich friendship network.

It is interesting that my daughter has five close friends and four of them are onlies as well. We are currently trying to move to an area that has more families since we want her to have neighborhood friends too. I can relate to the woman whose daughter was looking desperately for someone to play with in the neighborhood. Unlike the one poster, we are uncomfortable with the play dates. They usually feel so forced. I appreciate the different comments about what to watch out for and ways to handle discipline situations. My daughter is trying to understand that others' feelings count as well as hers.