Why do they dislike us?

OK, I should be used to it by now...but I'm not. I'm angry and I don't want to take it any longer.  My daughter is a twenty-nine-year old happily married woman. But when people ask me how many children I have and I answer one, I become the victim of  either pity or scorn. The inquisitor's  voice drops a decibel and she whispers, "Oh," as if I have committed some crime against humanity or I am somehow less than human. When will it end? I am on a crusade to stop the underlying scorn. It's the 21st Century. The economy is in the toilet, millions of children in this country alone don't have enough to eat, and the planet needs fewer people, not more,  if we are to make it in tact to the 22nd Century. I am rich in my daughter's love, her strength of character and compassion. Our family is strong and vital, and my daughter is always there for us. All of you parents out there with only children need to stand up and say, "Get off my back. Only children are a huge gift to the world. You should be delighted that I have one who will be more responsible than a child with siblings, who knows how to relate to adults and is a supportive friend. My kid tries harder, which is more than I can say for a lot of kids with siblings. So get over it world. Only children are the wave of the future. Given the economy, more people are going to reconsider what a family is. Jon and Kate Plus 8 isn't a family. It's a traveling media circus. 

Comments

[asrau]

I've been noticing more and more how defensive only child parents seem even on message boards FOR only children. Like their decision as ADULTS is somehow ... lesser than having 2 or three.

[Jessica]

As a 35 year old only child raising a now 4 year old only child, I hear you loud and clear! I have had people tell me that, "they never would have guessed that I'm an only child" which I guess is supposed to be a compliment? People are still holding on to hope that DH and I will decide to have a second child, but that's not what we want for our family. We are a happy threesome! Onlies and Parents of onlies unite! Some day people will realize what a great choice we made.

[Elizabeth]

I cannot understand the bias against only children. This is not the 18th century. The world's population is becoming unsustainable, child mortality in first world countries is negligible and only children can easily be as well socialised as any others. Only children seem to be the one minority group which is socially acceptable to stigmatise. Please keep up the good work of changing this bizarre situation.

[KC Heath]

I am an only child--now age 51--whose mother always told people, "I believe in quality, not quantity", so that's an answer you might try. I was only able to give birth to one child, so my truthful answer was always, "I miscarried the others."

I wanted another child. I still have serious socialization issues from being raised as an only child. My son, also an only child--now age 26--is doing somewhat better social than I, since I knew the issues and tried hard to prepare him for them, but his first marriage only lasted 14 months.

Though I am a serious defender of absolute-zero-population growth, I do not support having only one child in this cultural climate. The list of problems it creates aren't worth it. Though the bias others have against us is just that, a bias against anything that isn't considered normal. Since I'm not normal on any scale, I've learned to just ignore others' rude comments.

Stand up for what you believe in, no matter what it is.

[Differently Drumming in PA]

To start with, the term "only" in the phrase "only child" ought to be retired, beginning with those of us who are the parents of (or are) singletons. "Only" connotes lack, and it signifies--intentionally or not--that there's something amiss in one-child families. Every time we use the term, we place ourselves "one down" to those convinced that the more kids the better, no matter who you are or what your heart's desires or material circumstances.

As for "socialization," it's obviously a bone of contention (witness some of the horror expressed by a couple of the respondents to the "Socialization Into What?" post). Especially for introverted children, "socialization"--if it means forcing one's square peg of a kid into too many round holes--can do real harm, not least because it sends the message that reflection, imagination, reverie, and silence are somehow character flaws. "Getting along with people" ought not to mean "join the herd at every opportunity or you're a failure" or "be with people you can't stand no matter your own needs and desires because you'll learn valuable coping skills." What joy.

It seems to me that we should spend our energies raising the kid we have, not the kid anybody else thinks we ought to have. I, for one, am grateful that my son digs rocketry camp, playing (now and then) with a couple of close friends, playing with us, reading, building stuff out of every scrap of material at hand, doing origami with his grandmother, baking bread, making pancakes, laughing, animating his Playmobil figures, and school. He possesses a richer inner (and outer) life than all but a handful of adults I've ever known, and thank God he has little interest (at this point, at least) in the Hannah Montana, etc. b.s. out there--and, lest anyone raise a hackle of offense at my wife and my presumed "sheltering" of our son, let it be known that he's out in the world daily and reads the newspaper (even some of the gory stuff, if we're not quick enough on the draw) daily, and is also well aware from school friends and trips to McDonalds of the glittering lights and sounds of American extroversion.

And before I go into a dissertation on the lethal blundering American extroversion has recently caused in the Middle East and elsewhere, I'll sign off.

[c white]

I agree with you. People should tell nosy parkers that they have one child...not an only. It sounds like you have a great ONE.

[Donna]

I too have an "only child". I am an older mom, had my son at 36 yrs. I didn't want another at 40 yrs. Sometimes I wish I had for my son. My son has lots of cousins, thanks to my 3 sisters having 2-3 kids. All around the same age of my son. I have always involved him with other children, family (cousins),friends, play dates and sleepovers. He is very outgoing! Even the first day of preschool, when so many children are crying for mama not to leave them, my son said "OK mom, you can leave now I'll be OK!" I then knew I had raised a confident only child, who knew who he was and was plenty comfortable being around other children and away from me.

Now, what do I say to others when they ask me how many children I have? And I reply with one.

I tell them something silly! And it shuts them right up! :)

I tell them:

"I did it right the first time" I have a perfect child, so I didn't need to have more! :)

Makes them think I tell you, makes them think! They are speechless!

And I really think most are just plain jealous, really! Why would others say, oh you need to have another baby? (misery loves company, my guess.) My youngest sister has asked me this for years!

I tell her I can give more to one child, more attention, a better education, more activities, bank account etc. My sister has a 13 year old son, and just had another baby. No man in her life, lives with my sister and husband, doesn't drive, and a low wage retail job. She has a long way to go. What she can give is lots of love, which is beautiful. She's as sweet as they come, but I feel bad for the kids, as they both have different fathers that have no relationship with them. I love them all dearly, but I am afraid about their future. I got off subject a bit, sorry.

I think some are just envious. Parents with only one "perfect" child, have more freedom, time and money! Of course not always, but just talk to others and they'll tell you! Thanks for listening!

[LexiNicole]

I'm a 14 year old only child. I absolutley hate when people ask my mom "why didn't you have more?" Um,that is NONE of their bussines? No. When I was younger,I always wanted another sibling. Now that I'm older,I actually love it. My parents are divorced,but I love having them all to myself. I even agree when my friends tell me I'm lucky. The perception that only children have a harder time making friends, I really disagree. Since I had no one to play with when I was younger, I was really eager to make friends. And yes, I'm spoiled. Im not spoiled rotten. So I just wish people would understand that about us "only child" kids.

[LexiNicole]

Oh,I forgot. I am VERY outgoing. I'm a cheerleader,play other sports,and will talk to just about anyone. That;s another misconception. Btw,Donna,my mom told me almost the exact same story! I said:
"Bye,see you later!" Haha.

[c white]

Hi Lexi;

I loved your comments!! Guess, what, you are not alone. In fact I just finished having long conversations with two only children who just graduated from college. They both love being only children and have a number of friends who are also from one-child families and like it as well. Both of these people I spoke with are, like you, very social, outgoing, and comfortable with themselves. There are misconceptions about only children everywhere, but you are a living example of how wonderful only children are. So we have to show people the truth about only children by example. I loved your line about being spoiled but not spoiled rotten. You express yourself beautifully, and and I'm sure that you will grow up to be a thoughtful, caring, happy person. In fact, you are already everything most people don't think only children can be. Bravo!!! You are inspiring.

[anonymous O]

I noticed this article, and thought I would respond. The question is "why do they dislike us?" The answer may be found by stepping into the other persons shoes for a moment to try and get their perspective on things. Not that anyone's totally right, but understanding where someone else is coming from can help sometimes.

I get mistaken for an only child most of the time, and I attribute this to having only one sibling that is over five years younger than me, and my polar opposite.

I think like anything else, there are positive and negative traits here. I have a few close friends that are only children, and I can say that I admire their individualism, and bold approach to doing things without trying to conform to a set of rules.

On the other hand, I have noticed that only children do not socialize in the same way that siblings do, and don't seem to possess many of the empathic, team player type skills that some (not all) siblings have.
Some don't argue well, they just believe they're right.

On the extreme end of the spectrum, I have also met some only children that must have all the spotlight and the glory wherever they go. This seems most notable when there are people with power and authority in the room that might be able to aid the only child in their endeavors.

I have met only children that are very nice, and good, and I have met one's that I would classify as all out narcissists in need of psychological help.

Being the oldest, I usually react to only children like I would to the youngest in a family.
Watching an only child try and dominate an oldest child?: priceless. Think clash of the titans with both parties retreating without ever declaring victory.

And I've heard quite a few stereotypes about being the oldest, and the only girl; we all have them.

[grainnek830]

hi everyone that has just made comments,im so relieved to read all these comments because it makes me feel normal for a change,sometimes i just feel like i am the only parent in the world that has just one child,friends ,work mates and just about anyone who has more than one child seems to think they can say what they like to insult me for just having the one .and to be honest id think there would be lots more of us out there only for people are been bullied into having more.
i have watched parents with more than one child and most of them are too busy making bottles changing nappies and been too tired to give any time to any of there kids where as when you only have the one you have more time to give and i think it shows.
i feel a lot better now for reading your comments and from now on try not to feel so guilty for just having the one
thank you
grainne.

[Proud Dad]

I think the problem is that people tend to assume that when only children have problems they are BECAUSE they are onlies.

For example:

If he is lonely, it's because he's an only child.

If he is greedy or selfish, it's because he's an only child.

If he is unable to socialize well, it's because he's an only child.

I was, regretfully, not an only child myself but I knew I wanted my kid to be. I was often lonely, selfish, and depressed, and I often had trouble socializing. My son in contrast is one of the most confident people I know, and he has no siblings. It's just different personalities and having siblings isn't a sure fix for any of these ailments, as I well know.

I think a lot of the hostility stems from envy and resentment. I know that I myself am often envious of only children or those who were - they have so many opportunities and they seem to never suffer neglect - and can imagine that others might feel this way but not want to recognize it. I'm glad my son gets to experience what life is like when you don't have to compete for what in my opinion should be provided unconditionally.

I don't like that people are getting famous for having a lot of kids. I think it's encouraging fame-hungry people to overpopulate just so they can get on TV and have their names known. Jon and Kate, the Duggar family, Octomom, this glamorization of large families needs to stop because ultimately it's the kids who will suffer.

[Shannon]

I am a proud mom to an "only"! She is a social, energetic, fun loving little girl! She is involved in lots of activities and really seem to enjoy playing with her friends. But when we are home she also seems happy to play quietly by herself or with us.

I don't understand why people push other people to have more kids. Misery loves company I guess! I only have one husband, one mother, one father- so why do I need 2 kids!

I have heard all of the stereotypes- lonely, bored, spoiled, weird. Guess what, some of them are- but some aren't. And I know plenty of people with siblings that are lonely, bored, spoiled and weird. I don't blame it on the fact that they had a sibling! All children are different- period.

And I don't believe in the "gift" of a sibling. I have a brother and if he was a gift, they can take him back! We have never been close and we aren't close now. He has actually caused more issues in my life than helped.

[SAJ]

Reading all these posts from all you happy and well adjusted only children is very helpful for me a 44 year old mom of an 8 year old only. Coming from a family of 5 kids I feel very guilty that my son deos not have a sibiling. He is a very happy, outgoing and confident little boy but I have been unable to shake this guilt. At 44 I am too old to have another child but I have been thinking about adopting an older child but that may create a whole new set of problms. Please to all you only children out there keep the commenst coming...its helps me to know taht not all only children wish for sibilings.......right ?!?

[One's Enough For Me]

SAJ, no, not all only children want siblings. I've known many who did not want any. I think it has mostly to do with the parents' attitudes. If they make it clear that they want a second child, that will likely make him or her desire a sibling. Additionally I think many only children may think they want siblings because society gives them the false impression that kids with siblings are not lonely or don't experience social anxiety - which is not the case. Treat his lack of siblings as the gift that it is and he likely will too.

[Julie]

I'm the mother of one boy, and the pressure to have a sibling was intense. I think the reason there is so much dislike is everyone thinks the size family they have is the *perfect* size. If they have 2, 3, or 4+ kids then they think that's perfect and everyone else should have that many also. Thanks for the support of singleton families!

[Jess]

Thanks so much for the encouraging comments. I'm a mother to a four year old boy and never thought I would be happy with "just one". I'm thrilled with one and yet why do I struggle with finally closing the door on the possibility of trying for a second? I think it's because of pressure from "society" (like one is not OK). I don't believe all the the myths and agree that personalities are going to be what they are (pretty much) regardless of siblings as another commenter said.

[Jennifer_mom of one]

I LOVE the comment "I have one husband, one mother and one father, why should I have more than one child?" That's perfect and I'm going to use it, thanks!

Both my husband and I are only children and honestly, as children it never occurred to us that we were "missing" out on anything. We NEVER once thought "why don't I have a sibling"...never! That may be hard to believe for people who grew up with siblings, but what you don't have I guess you don't miss! I always had close friends and often had those friends spend the night or come with us on vacations. Our parents included us in so much (special dinners out, nice vacations, etc.) that families with more than one child could not have done. I still don't feel i missed out on anything. Not until now that we have a child that we've be pondering what having a sibling might have been like and what should we do now. We're definitely leaning toward one. It just seems right to US. Whenever I'm on the fence or seriously imagining what having another would be like, I feel uneasy! That's what matters...what feels right as a family.

[Sarah in Portland]

I just stumbled onto your web site. I have an only daughter and am feeling the same joy and unique turmoil that most parents of only children feel.

I think it's important though that when we address negative stereotypes of only children we also remember that positive stereotypes are stereotypes nonetheless. Only children aren't "more responsible" don't "relate" any better, and don't have a lock on being supportive friends. All children, only or with siblings, are unique individuals and we need to think of them as such.

Keep up the good work!

[LonelySoul]

Hey,
found this topic and wish to give my say. I am an (l)only child myself too. Approaching 30. I have a controversial attitude towards the subject. My parents got me at an ripe age, approaching 40, they are both fatherless and my dad doesn't have siblings. My mom has a half sister, who with her family is very dear to us. I had a happy childhood and a lot of friends. We lived in a safe neighborhood and I was up and knocking potential playmates doors as soon as I was walking. Therefore I am good at "forcing" myself to be social and have grown into being proactive. The other side of the coin is that I grew up a visitor. I was always welcomed to my friends homes but in the end of the day it was always me who went back to my only lonely solitude. I have issues in committing to things. My only relationship ended cause I chose to be too independent.etc. Now I am dead scared to face a lonely future. After my parents are gone, there is no one. Unless I find a partner and start a family. We onlies need to be so strong. I am a bit sad to hear some parents deciding to have just one because of more personal freedom and money left for them. Selfish values of modern society. Family is important, not only now, but for your future kids. Soon there will be no extended family and with the rate of divorces, we are facing a situation with many more lonely wanderers.

[inga]

I live in a poor country Latvia in Europe. I have one daughter, unfortunately I miscarried 3 pregnancies. But here in Latvia having only one child is not a big issue. Many poeple can not afford more kids and have health problems to get them as medical care is bad.
Many kids are only, often living with mothers and grandmothers instead of having traditional family. Men are alcoholics and do not care about family.
I guess in China could be similar. But I personally miss having a sibling for my daughter because I come from big family. I have huge feeling of guilt because of that.

[grace m. williams]

I am a singleton and damn proud of it. I had the best things in life-education, my own room, and lots of clothes plus books. People are envious of us and with good reason. Us singletons did not have the strife and drama which people with siblings have. I did not have any rivalry and fighting with siblings. I grew up in peace. I as with other singletons were the well behaved ones in schools. Guess who were the behavioral problems? Yep, people with a large number of siblings. They acted like animals in zoos.

Quess what? When the people with siblings grew up and went to college and later married, they opted to have smaller families because they did not want their children to grow up with the mess they grew up with. Yeah, people "love" having siblings. Wrong, again, more people including my mother and friends bitched about having siblings while I enjoyed being a singleton. My father stated that he wanted a singleton because singletons grow up to be used to the better things of life whereas people with siblings are not used to anything. Please reply.

[Sara]

I find it ironic that your angry post about being judged about the size of your family ends in judging another family.

[LS]

I am so happy a site like this exists for us parents of one child to reference.

We are a family of three and at one point thought we needed to be a family of four. It seems like families with 2 children are everywhere(as this is very much a north american concept) but once in a while I'll see a family of three (like us) and think how sweet in love they seem to be with each other.

It's quite a special dynamic if only other people would see it this way. What if things were reversed and our society acknowledged one child families as the norm and 2+ children as the exception?

When questioning a friend of mine who recently immigrated from China and is an "only" - she confirmed to me that growing up she never wished for a sibling (actually never even thought about it)mainly because that's just the way things were with all families of her generation. She always felt loved, priviledged and well cared for and when asking her if she thought my daughter needed a sibling - she seemed a bit confused and without hesitation said "no". I then realized that my guilt stemmed mainly from societal pressures - that perfect image that is portrayed to us daily in the media, etc.

An academic in the field of child psychology once said to me "the world would be a better place if there were more only children" - wow, powerful!

Celebrate your child!